Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 1/24/24

Real quick before I dive in. You know I’ve been making some comments here and there on the taglines, which honestly I normally don’t pay attention to, because I’m not even settled as the intro’s are happening, or I’m not paying attention. The tag lines are getting so utterly ridiculous, I try to tune them out.

So anyway Crystal’s is kind of extra funny and stupid to me. She just turned 40 right? That’s getting a little up there, it’s official middle age, if average life expectancy is late 70’s – early 80’s right? I’m not the greatest at math, and I figured that out in my head.

“They say wisdom comes with age, but I’m proving otherwise.” I think it sounds like she’s calling herself stupid. If she was in her 20’s, this would make sense. But when you’re 40, no.

Bravo people, what are you doing?? You absolutely made a fool out of her with his tagline. This is a girl that was contemplating going to medical school? When this blurb was handed to her, she didn’t see this? Guess not. She’s literally calling herself dumb. Is she really convinced 40 is super young? I guess maybe when your husband is 20 years older, you do.

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Why does PK go to London again? Oh yeah, to get away from Dorit. And did we need to see him on this FaceTime call, shirtless in bed? I will never unsee this.

Sutton goes on a little too much about this dancer dude. I too, was kind of floored that she has his ashes in a Ziploc bag. Never have seen anybody with a loved one’s ashes in a plastic bag. Do we really even think that these are even this guy’s ashes? I’m saying no. The whole ‘ashes’ thing is one big scam in my opinion.

I love doing my recaps, when I’m in a feisty mood.

Anybody else so over, and I know they’re quick but still, the scenes of them packing, usually with their fucking housekeepers, when they’re going on one of these trips. They’re always the same. Asking them what they think about their outfits, as if number one, they give a fuck, and number two, they’re going to say ‘no I don’t really like that.’

Sutton scolds Avi for one of her garments being hung on a plastic hanger. I can’t be the only one that thought of that terrible and cheesy movie, Mommie Dearest, am I?? I pictured her beating Avi with the plastic (wire) hanger.

It seems like the Beverly Hills ladies are all struggling this season for things to discuss and bring up, while trying to seem interesting and funny. She wants to take these ashes to Spain to release into the ocean, I assume.

And yes, it is best to keep them in the Ziploc bag while traveling. I mean he’s been in a Ziploc for 12 years. Why bother putting him in something cute now? This guy meant so much to her, and she looked up to him like a God, but his ashes are in a Ziploc. I can’t.

Yawn to always commenting on how much luggage they have. Yes we get it, bitches, you have tons of fucking luggage, and tons of fucking bougee clothes to bring on these free European vacations, that Bravo pays for, while you’re getting paid.

And double yawn to them always commenting before these vacations of how relaxing it’s going to be, and how they all ‘need this.’ That may have been okay like 15 years ago, but at this point we all know they go on these trips to start shit with each other. Stop it with the “oh this trip is going to bring us together and be so relaxing!” They all sound like retards! Stop playin’ with us!!

Garcelle says she has never been to Spain. But does she kind of like the music?

Don’t they always look so happy and jovial at the airport?? Until they get to these beautiful destinations and their first class accommodations, then everyone is so fucking miserable.

Another gripe, then hopefully this is it. Can we stop flashing the price tags of the shit these bitches are wearing, especially Dorit, who we KNOW is renting everything. There is no fucking way in hell she purchased a pair of $1200 fucking pajamas, with her and PK’s financial problems. Bravo stop it. Stop insulting our intelligence. And the fact that she thinks she needs to prove that she has money, shows that she doesn’t have money. Look it up. It’s a fact.

So the accommodations are, of course this big huge massive, ridiculous fucking medieval castle which seems to be riddled with phantom ‘little people.‘ roaming about.

Erika can shut it with her comments that she feels something. She’s the furthest thing from fucking spiritual.

Another thing Bravo can let go of, is the stupid room assignments, and how they go about deciding who goes where, and whose is the biggest, and whose happy, and whose not… Who cares!!

And Garcelle has definitely brought glam before on a trip. She claims this is her first rodeo. I distinctly remember her bringing glam on a trip last season. May not have been outside of the states, but she definitely had glam. I recall making a joke about it in one of my recaps, where she said to the glam chick at the hotel “I wish I could bring you with me.” (to their activity) I was thinking, that’s kind of a rude thing to say. She was sitting there looking at her like, ‘well I am free…’

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m doing this, it’s so elaborate, I don’t deserve this.”

Stop.

Yes, it is elaborate, and it is fucking ridiculous they pay to fly two or three people to Europe, pay for their hotels, and meals, to put their makeup on, and curl their hair. Who do these women think they are? Beyonce? It’s ridiculous.

So apparently, Kyle is doing the Kardashian thing where she’s basically adapting the style of her new lover, and she brought all of this leather, and young edgy shit. Dorito inspects her outfits, and does not approve of anything, and thinks it inappropriate for Madrid.

It’s Europe, woman, pretty sure black leather is fine. When I was in Italy, some dude was walking around dressed like a vagina. I thought Dorit was some worldy bitch and fashion expert.

So it’s 11 o’clock and they’re convening for dinner. Kyle‘s in her room fussing over what she’s wearing, where I can’t imagine it really matters because it’s fucking 11pm, and they’re all jet lagged and tired. Maybe she should’ve brought a vagina costume too. Wink wink.

Erika has the right idea, and she’s wearing pajamas.

Isn’t there always a hot chef on EVERY housewife trip?

Sutton delivers a presentation of the Ziploc deceased dancer to the ladies.

This dude’s ashes – I’m assuming because he was this famous world renowned dancer, that maybe there were several people that requested a cut? So that’s why it’s in a Ziploc? I never knew that was a thing, multiple people getting a part of your ashes.

Does she really think that the contents of the Ziploc bag are this dude?

This chef is not about humoring these bitches at all. You can absolutely tell he’s going back to the kitchen making fun of them.

Dorit gets all Meg Ryan at the dinner over the food. She’s trying to be coy about it, but definitely trying to get this dude’s attention.

I’m assuming PK isn’t taking care of business, since he’s always ‘in London.’ Also he can’t stand her.

Annemarie makes a very awkward and ill-timed interruption to “address the elephant in the room.” It sounded very rehearsed, and who wants to hear a housewife sounding rehearsed?? We don’t, but here we are.

Vyle must’ve given her an off-camera pep talk, to embarrass Crystal now. Since she’s done with Sutton, she has to start shit with someone else.

And how is it the ‘elephant in the room?’ She apologized to Sutton and agreed to move on. No one really fucking gives a shit, and is glad it’s finally dropped. That’s not ‘an elephant in the room’ situation, dumb ass.

Crystal seems to have had some sort of forewarning that she knows what is coming. She definitely looks worried. So you would think that she would’ve been better prepared.

Annemarie proudly announces that when she met Crystal at a holiday party, she told her that the rest of the wives were not intelligent and extremely shallow. In all honesty, is that not accurate?

Sutton doesn’t come off to me as not intelligent. Nor does Garcelle. But Kyle, Erica and Dorit? Abso fucking lutely.

Crystal didn’t want this to be repeated to them, but she should’ve known better, or maybe she was drinking a lot of wine. She vehemently denies it as they play flashes that she has used this type of rhetoric before. I can totally see her saying this. I can picture both of them carrying on about how much smarter they are than the others. This is probably when Crystal told her she wanted to go to med school, and Annemarie made herself sound like a doctor, not a nurse.

Dorit, in her yap, where she looks extremely under nourished, is taking offense to the uneducated comment, and it’s so ridiculous for Crystal to call them that when they were off being educated while she was ‘a child bride.’

Crystal is now speaking out, I’ve seen, about how offensive that was. Crystal was 24. I wouldn’t call that a child bride. Sorry, Dorit, you didn’t get married until you were fucking 40, to a broke old loser that conned you into thinking he was loaded. That scenario sounds familiar. Crystal married a man that IS successful and loaded. He’s the Lion King dude for crissakes. But PK manages Boy George, we know.

She goes on to divulge that Crystal also called them fake socialites. It all sounds a lot like the high-horse version of Crystal that we’ve seen.

“I’m making your ass relevant” has Kyle written all over it too. Are we sure it’s not the opposite? She’s the one running around making all of this noise about petty shit, that she knows nothing about. She’s on social media every day defending herself, so clearly she knows she fucked up. Crystal hasn’t even been going out of her way to talk about her. She called her out on her ridiculousness over the esophagus sermons. She called her a bitch, when she was acting like a stupid loud mouth bitch.

This woman is like Kyle’s fucking protege for crissakes. Kyle is dumbing her down in her training.

“Don’t take my kindness for weakness.” Just like her ‘elephant in the room’ – this expression also makes no sense in this context. She hasn’t been kind for one second that we’ve seen. And no one thinks she’s weak. They think she’s a fucking ding dong. And clearly being coached by Kyle. Fucking duhhhh.

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Next morning, Dorit name drops Boy George for no fucking reason whatsoever.

Annemarie claims that she doesn’t like to be confrontational, especially with somebody that they’re on a trip with, however, she thought dinner last night two seconds after they landed, was the perfect time to announce to the ladies at Crystal made a bitchy comment about them three months ago.

Sutton urges Crystal to stick up for herself and not allow what’s-her-name to keep perpetuating this supposedly alleged false statement

I don’t even know what to say about Erika, and the fucking earrings. My thing is, I don’t give a fuck what any stupid fucking judge has decided.

The ladies DON’T want to hear about these earrings. Like read the room, Erika.

Theirs and the public’s point is that it’s a matter of morals, and common sense, both of which this broad lacks, not legalities.

No I guess they can’t technically prove that these earrings were bought with the exact cash that he stole from his clients, however, they were purchased in the time frame when he was doing this sketchy shit.

Morally, this dumb greedy bitch should relinquish them, and request that the money be distributed among people that he stole from.

Miss the point much??? Thought her therapist explained the word ‘empathy’ to her? Thought she’s claiming this shit is working?

Fuck.

Even Kyle, who cares for no one but herself, was chiming in last season that she needed to stop sounding so fucking cold and dismissive about Tom’s victims.

So ironic that she’s so offended at being called uneducated and shallow, and here she sits, sounding uneducated and shallow as fuck by reading this fucking statement from the courts about these MOTHER FUCKING EARRINGS. She really thinks she sounds self-righteous.

You can’t make this shit up!!

Whatever she’s droning on about means nothing. And has nothing to do with what they were trying to tell her last season. She brags that she tried to tell everybody they belong to her, and she doesn’t need to turn them over.

All that this is proving is what a fucking shallow fucking shiesty fucking piece of shit she is to be fighting this hard, and that they were clearly purchased with money that did not belong to Tom, and did not belong to her.

Now she’s pouty and pissed that everybody is not patting her on the back and congratulating her for being right, which they’re not doing because of what I have just explained.

Why anybody can’t say this, I don’t know. Well, we’re afraid of her, that’s why.

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There’s a long and winding road going to this church, and Crystal has to get out and puke.

So, in uber-dramatic housewife fashion after she gets out and pukes for being fucking car sick, they want to fucking call 911. Over car sickness.