VPR 3/26/24

Kind of cute how James buys and picks out outfits for Ally. She doesn’t like to SHOP!! What in the literal hell is wrong with this girl? How many times was she dropped on her head??

She better not tell the other girls that.

Forget if I said this last week or not, but who really cares if Jo is clamoring to get on the show? Seems like a weird thing to hate her for isn’t it? Oh, and she’s quirky but have BlaBla, Baloney and Ariana checked out some of their ‘quirks?’ Because there are many.

The ex’s (Kristen and Raquel) are speaking out about James’ past abusive behaviors. Which doesn’t really surprise me. He’s very intense, he has anger issues, and he used to drink very heavily.

He seems to have grown up somewhat, and of course he’s sober now, but I’m doubting if that type of behavior has completely left his being.

******

Billie Lee! Ugh! I really didn’t mind her when she was on before. If you recall BlaBla was really, really shitty to her for NO reason that I can recall anyway. BlaBla is from Utah. Someone may have been a little biased due to her transexuality, which I found difficult to believe that LVP would have tolerated.

Billie Lee, also one desperate to be on the show, which I guess I can’t drag her for technically if I just said it didn’t bug me about Jo.

She does try to act casual and genuine, but she’s jut not pulling it off. She asks these, what she thinks are merely inquisitive questions about his love life, but actually she’s wanting to see what her chances of scoring might be.

Although I believe they had a past fling, (one of the ‘other’ times he cheated on Ariana) I do not think he has any interest in her whatsoever. I don’t know if she completely transformed down there or not, and I guess it’s not important.

At any rate I think Sandoval was intrigued, but he seems to be over it now.

She enters his room as he’s struggling to make his bed, citing she’s scared to be there because of Ariana. Probably because she hooked up with him when they were first together, and Ariana knows. Pretty sure she could take Ariana.

I had a new thought about this living arrangement with these two, that didn’t occur to me before. I do struggle with whose side to be on, and I find myself leaning towards not Ariana’s side, only as it pertains to her insistence on living there if he was not willing to leave.

Keep in mind, at this time he was paying the mortgage and utilities, also keep in mind they are not married so it’s not a ‘what’s mine is yours and yours is mine’ type of thing. There are no children she was home taking care of, so I can’t get on board with her lying around all day doing nothing and not contributing. Sorry. She only pursued the sandwich shop because Bravo threatened to cut her if she didn’t have ‘a thing’ that season. This was of course before they knew about ‘the affair.’

Maybe it’s irrelevant now (since filming was over) she agreed to the buy-out he proposed almost one year earlier, and has purchased a weird looking very contemporary structure. I’m guessing she was looking to do the complete opposite of the farmhouse style that they shared. I don’t blame her for that. Sometimes it’s the little things.

He tells Billie Lee about asking her two month prior, via an email to agree to him buying her out, and she ignored it. Two months! She just sends it to her lawyer and forgets about it?

If this was your dude that you hate so much and I don’t blame her, why wouldn’t you want to get the HELL away from him asap? Does she not realize a buy out (if it’s for full market value as he is insisting) is the same as them selling it and splitting the equity? Oh except they don’t have to pay a Realtor 6% commission on 2 million dollars.

So everyone yammering on and on about how ‘smart’ she is can shut it. And for some reason the general public seems to be under the impression if your leave a home your forfeit your ownership? If only if were that fucking easy.

But what I wanted to say, and this occurred to me when Bille Lee says ‘why don’t you go knock on her door and ask her?’ is that if she was so insistent on remaining there, ignoring the buyout offer, doesn’t even want the house, wants it sold (what’s the difference to her, if it’s sold or he keeps it and buys her out??) then she really needed to forego this ridiculous ‘silent treatment’ thing and sucked it up, and communicate with him like an adult.

Separate rooms – of course agreed, she gets the master, fine, him checking with her before he has a party or whatever, agreed. But this fucking childishness of not even communicating via text nor email, and having this poor Ann chick involved as a middle man, is so beyond fucking asinine when they live in the same fucking house. And she knows that.

I’m glad I got that off of my chest.

Back to this scene. Watching Bille Lee talk to Sandoval, I find so cringy.

Speaking of Ann, Ariana calls her to ask her if she can walk downstairs in 45 minutes. (is this girl on duty fucking 24/7 or what??) See what I mean about this fucking ridick silent treatment? Calling a third party hired person on her own fucking time, to see what he’s doing, to know whether or not she can go downstairs to leave the house? You can’t make this shit up.

I thought one of her main schticks all of these years she’s been on, is how intelligent she is and soooooo much smarter than the rest of the cast. Yeah, no, not so much. Truly smart people don’t need to walk around telling people that they’re smart.

I guess since Tom has an assistant, now she has to have an assistant. (but she can’t afford to get her own place) Great. Put another poor person through this messy ass fucking shit show monkey in the middle BS between you two. She asks Ann if she knows of anyone looking, and Ann indicates she would be interested. Which did actually happen, she did switch to being Ariana’s assistant. Again, can’t make this shit up.

******

Newly formed besties, since she is on this campaign to reinvent herself as a nice person, BlaBla and Schwartz meet for an afternoon smoothie or whatever the hell these things are.

Even BlaBla acting silly like this, I’m not buying. It’s so unlike the See You Next Tuesday loudmouth thug persona we’ve known for several years.

And no BlaBla, having a child does NOT change your personality. She’s trying to convince us of that, but it’s not a thing. If it were a thing, why would it just be happening now when the kid is three?? Anybody?? Have an answer? No, that’s what I thought. She’s been an evil fucking tyrant in the two seasons since this child has been out of her uterus.

I don’t know what the fuck Schwartz is talking about as they make small talk about sober sex versus drunk sex. BlaBla looks at him like he’s a fucking idiot. She doesn’t know what he’s saying either. I’m telling you I’m getting more and more convinced he’s on the autism spectrum, maybe mildly, but he’s there.

Let’s get to the point of this meeting. All Bravo meet-ups have an agenda. We don’t just watch two people sitting there shooting the shit on a lazy afternoon. Maybe way way back in the early days.

He tells her about the Jax and Sandoval interaction at Tom-Tom. I loved how Jax was acting that night, like this smug perfect family man living the dream. My ass Jax. You treat your wife like shit, she ditched your dumb pathetic ass, like women NEED to do with lying cheating abusive men, and I doubt you’re spending a ton of time playing with your child. The fucking smoke and mirrors with these people.

I really wished that he could turn his shit around and had outgrown acting like that, being in his forties, but what was I thinking. I know a dude that’s fucking SIXTY and still acts like this. 60!!! Like don’t they even get tired?? The fucking energy that gets expended acting like a fucking douche.

Okay, there we go, the point of this. Schwartz blurts out that he kissed Scheana in Vegas years ago, when he and Katie were technically together, but of course, their usual situation of non-stop arguing. And you know full well as you watched that, it was going to turn into a thing. Because with Katie Baloney, everything is the fucking end of the world. They’re divorced now. They were never ever a happy couple. Ever. This took place over ten years ago, but here we go. Another thing for Baloney to put on her constipated face about. Well she never takes it off, actually.

BlaBla takes it over the top, and gets pissed off about Scheana never telling her this.

Have you met Katie? Of course she didn’t ever want to mention it! He plays dumb as to whether or not he ever told her.

Coincidentally, shortly after, Baloney drops in on BlaBla. I’m not sure if Baloney hates kids, or is jealous that she doesn’t have one, and most likely never will, but she seems to be scowling when BlaBla talks about Ocean, and doesn’t want to hear about her. Katie compares Ocean to her dogs.

This didn’t take long. BlaBla tells her about the Schwartz and Scheana kiss and she overreacts in the way you might have totally expected.

There has never been one single shred of sexual chemistry between Katie and Schwartz. He had a drunken kiss with Scheana. Who cares. And here we go with Constipated Katie.

BlaBla claims that she wrestled with whether to speak to Scheana or Katie first.

She’s such great friends with Scheana but she’s throwing her right under the bus. She didn’t want to tell her first so she wouldn’t have time to make it “a pretty picture.”

Wow with friends like this…

I don’t know what look Katie was going for in that scene, but she has way too much eye makeup on, she could use a spray tan, and I’m not feeling the pin-striped vest and mustard jeans. Also she looks like Beetlejuice.

And she travels with her own bottle of tequila? Okay, fine I’m not judging that. But everything else I am. She’s starting to get lunch lady arms. Okay I’m done being bitchy, but she’s bitchy too. Also, I’m assuming the champagne-like beverage that BlaBla was drinking was non-alcholic. I’ve never seen her drink an alcoholic beverage simulation since she’s been sober. She commented that she was treating herself since Ocean was gone, so it was weird.

******

it’s Ziggy night and let’s see what happens. Whatever will it be??

Scheana walks in giving herself multiple compliments on her outfit. Do people not realize how off-putting this is?? Okay great she loves her outfit, she’s feeling cute. Wait for someone to notice. Don’t point it out to people.

It looks a lot like Julia Roberts’ look in Pretty Woman. You know THE outfit, before Richard Gere took her shopping. Before “big mistake, HUGE.” Complete with the thigh-high boots. But whatever, she thinks she looks great. Guess that’s all that matters.

Tom plans on asking Ariana about the house. But he can’t ask her this question inside said house, in which they live, together.

So we’re also mad at Jo for accompanying Sandoval, Schwartz and Raquel to Big Bear last year, but I’m super confused because I thought she was no longer mad at Sandoval for the affair. However she’s mad at Jo for knowing about the affair.

Scheana who complains a lot about being bullied by the other VPR girls, starts to harass and be pretty cunty to Jo about wearing a baseball cap. I would think someone dressed like a prostitute should not be judging others.

But again, she’s no longer pissed at Sandoval. It’s all suddenly become Jo’s fault.

Sandoval starts to creepily hit on Billie Lee’s friend, Tii. She seems to be infatuated with this creep that I guess a twenty-something girl would be, that doesn’t know any better.

Ariana, in her yap claims that Jo is a “full blown mean girl bully.” I can’t really see that but Ariana does seem to live in her own ulterior universe lately.

Her reasoning is that she spent Thanksgiving at her house when she knew about Sandoval and Raquel. Okay that doesn’t make her a ‘mean girl bully.’ She was clearly caught in the middle of all of that. As were many people. I know it’s all very frustrating, but she needs to stop blaming people other than Tom and Raquel.

Ally tries to reason with Regina, Gretchen and Karen, and asks them not to make Jo feel uncomfortable. They don’t care. They then proceed to maker her feel extremely unconfortable. She leaves crying. If she really wants to be on this show, she’s gonna need to learn to suck it up and defend herself.

Other than Katie hating her because she’s with Schwartz, not sure of the others’ ax is that they need to grind with her.

Scheana tells everyone willing to listen that she’s drinking tonight for the first time. I see she shut up about the uniqueness of her outfit being ‘the vibe’ of the venue when Blabla and Ariana are in similar type 60’s ensambles.

As promised, Sandoval approaches Ariana and asks her about the email. She says her lawyer has it, and turns away from him. She reminds me of how a cat turns away from you and the expression that they make when they don’t want bothered.

Again, I get her complete and utter disgust with him, but she chose to purchase a home with him, unmarried, and fully aware of his cheating history. So this is something she needs to deal with, and stop acting like a fucking baby.

Sandoval trying to schmooze and reel this Tii girl in, is gross.

Katie of course addresses the eleven year ago kiss with Schwartz and Scheana. Of course she does. It goes how you might expect.

She at first does the pretend confused thing, buying time by making her repeat it, then admits Schwartz pulled her in the corner and kissed her.

Katie looks so extra constipated as she chastises her for making a joke out of it and considering it being funny now, ten – eleven years later. Yes. Katie. It IS funny now, but I guess you would have to be the owner of a sense of humor to see that.

Scheana keeps swinging her pony tail around, thinking about how cute she looks, as she half-listens to Baloney piss and moan and drone on and on and on and fucking on. This girl cannot just ever let anything go or be happy, ever.

******

Another outing to see what else we can drum up from ten fucking years ago, BlaBla, James, Schwartz and Sandoval.

Again, not to point out more nonsense and hypocrisy but BlaBla is so put off with Scheana, by this Schwartz/Scheana interaction from 2013, but seems fine sitting here with Schwartz, and is super okay with Sandoval. Also she’s sitting by James, whom she banged while he was with Raquel and she was with Randall, whom she was banging while he was married to someone else. Also she had a fucking hissy on Schwartz for playing pickle ball with Randall last season. But she can sit here and hang with Sandoval.

But Schwarz and Scheana kissed in Vegas ten years ago??? WHAT? Now Scheana MUST be shunned from the group for never telling anyone.

Ya can’t make this shit up.

Sandoval really does come off like a 70’s porn star. Or a wannabe 70’s port star.

He’s carrying a purse. Not even a murse, an actual purse. He invites BlaBla to some sort of meditation ritual thing he’s doing the following day.

I’ve never seen BlaBla be as nice to anyone as she’s being to Sandoval right now. No joke.

Okay, this thing with Sandoval is weird. Blabla does pop in. Why is she wearing a hunting jacket with stripper heels??

Does anyone feel bad for Sandoval and his supposed anxiety issues?? I DO NOT.

BlaBla quickly makes it about her, and demanding to know why he never asked how she was doing when the dude she was using and deceiving, was found to be also using and deceiving her.

Yes, how dare you Sandoval? Not to mention they weren’t particularly close. Not to mention he was her friend’s boyfriend and that seems a little inappropriate. Not to mention she was Randall’s mistress for how many years. But you know, pity party for BlaBla. As fucking usual.

Maybe don’t fuck around with married men then, and expect for some reason he’ll be faithful to YOU!

Now suddenly they’re all buddy fucking buddy. Ariana’s going to love this one.

She’s so worried about loyalty, but decides now is the perfect time to suddenly want to have this amazing friendship with Tom Fucking Sandoval. is this shit for real?? No, it’s literally, NOT.

******

‘Something About Her’ scene which still isn’t open one entire year later. Katie and Ariana are so clueless about this endeavor (making sandwiches) they need to have this chef ‘consultant’ telling them what sandwiches are being made and how to make them,

That’s pretty bad when you’re not even capable of making a fucking sandwich, but want to open a restaurant. Whatever, I’m beating a dead sandwich.

They have invited the crew to partake in some free sammy’s. This woman is even running the ‘tasting’ and announcing all of the sandwiches and their ingredients. I feel like this should have been done without her, for these two to at least pretend they’re doing something, and having any fucking ideas.

BlaBla gets pissy in her yap about having “did this last year, and why are we doing this again?”

Okay, I know I’ve been dragging them too, for not getting the show on the road. But the décor is now done and they wanted to do another ‘tasting.’ Big whoop.

Also this is a TV show, and other than pouting about Schwartz and Sandoval, and looking constipated constantly, what else do Katie and Ariana really have going on???

I saw a video online about how bitchy it was for them to be nitpicking at them over this, because #1 is it not free food? Just shut up and be appreciative. And #2, since when do you not go back a second time to an eating establishment? So who cares if they “already tried the sandwiches??” Can you not eat the same sandwich, that you liked, twice??

They take the party to SUR, and BlaBla breaks it to Ariana she had her little encounter with Sandoval at their house. Ariana’s face as BlaBla and Scheana try to sell to her how much they want to be Sandoval’s friend is fucking priceless.

Ariana looks extremely annoyed then proceeds to tell her she was at the vet with Mya who had to get an endoscopy due to Sandoval locking her in her bedroom and she ate something she got for take-out that I didn’t understand what it was and why it made her so sick.

BlaBla uses this as a point for Ariana to get off her asshole, and communicate with Tom in some way, so she can move out and move on.

She was more that happy to have Ann be her go-between on the vital subject of giving her Tom’s location within the house, before she walks down the fucking stairs, but isn’t willing to have her communicate to him what she does or doesn’t like about the buy out offer?? I mean again, if she’s so fucking smart, as she’s been telling us for ten fucking years, she should be able to read and comprehend a buyout offer and make a decision within two months?

LVP tastes the sandwiches and gets filled in on the ‘latest’ gossip from 2000 fucking 13.

As if it’s not ludicrous enough for BlaBla to be some sort of voice of reason this season, now we have Brock, so NOT the sharpest tool in the shed, also delivering good advice and yap input that actually makes some sense.

Like the lunacy of Katie to be putting Schwartz on a big huge guilt trip about all of this, when she banged Max, his friend, the previous night.

Max if you recall, got fired a few years back for making racist tweets. He had been one of Scheana’s love interests. He couldn’t stand her.

Okay I know what you’re going to say. Technically he’s not ‘part of the group’ however, he is Schwartz’ friend. Still a no-no, wouldn’t you think?

Typical ‘rules for thee and not for me’ bitch. Like someone else I know.

And I don’t even know what to say about Scheana having all of these random peoples’ locations on her phone. Do they not know? Why wouldn’t they turn it off on their phones?

Schwartz is really bugged by this Max thing, and I guess I can see why. I don’t know, whatever. His voice goes up like twenty octaves and keeps repeating “Max??”

I don’t get these two’s weird hold on each other. They hated each other when they were together. They didn’t care if the other lived or died.

This episode is taking fucking forever. I’m sick of listening to these dumb asses.

VPR has run it’s course. I think they’re all trying to transition into The Valley anyway.

Let’s see who all can bang or make out with the other’s spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend on that show. Two of the couples on there are already separated and we’re only like three episodes into the first season.

Sandoval arrives dressed as Woody again with this teeny tiny Tii chick who looks twelve. What is this girl doing? This is what she’s resorting to? She wants to be on TV THIS badly?? I see he sticks with the purse. They look like the weirdest, most mismatched couple I have ever seen. They flash on two seconds of their bowling date together, and it was nauseating. NAUSEATING.

He gets filled in on Max and Katie. I feel like I’ve been doing this recap forever. It’s a supersized episode, but still. It’s long, but there’s just so much BULLSHIT to talk about.

Okay so Scheana and Ariana see that Sandoval and this child that he brought, are at the bar and Ariana suddenly needs a water. You know she’s not keeping her mouth shut. This poor girl. But then again I shouldn’t feel that sorry for her. She knew what she was walking into.

Sandoval leaves her unsupervised, and Ariana drills her on her age and tells her ‘25’ makes sense and what does she want with a “41-year-old narcissist.”

I think we should leave her alone. The girl probably just wanted to be on TV. What’s with Scheana taking such pleasure in this? I’m going to have to stop calling her the least annoying VPR girl.

Did she love it a few years back when everyone was harassing her about Brock and how she shouldn’t be with a man that has two kids that he doesn’t even see? That might be a red flag? And by the way, why are we not talking about this anymore? Has he gone to Australia to see them? I’m thinking no. But she’s judging a chick on a first date. Okay.

Lose the smirk, bitch. She’s been hanging around BlaBla too much.

She bitches at Brock for telling Schwartz about Katie and Max. Check Brock out getting his Bravo groove on, and being all messy.

Somebody kill me.

Meanwhile Ariana continues to fill this Tii chick in on the gory details of Sandoval, who HAS to already know all of this shit.

Scheana’s so mad at Brock for disclosing this slice of juicy gossip about Katie, yet she makes him announce it to the whole fucking table.

Katie looks kind of deer in the headlights. Who’s this dude beside her? Wow, Girlfriend seems to be getting around.

Scheana now decides it’s none of her business, after she stalked Max’s location on her phone all night. And I totally do believe she does exactly what she ridiculed herself as not doing in her yap. I’m sure she obsesses over this shit with 56 people’s locations in her phone.

You all heard about this John Mayer thing right? How she insinuated last week or week before that she had an orgy (actually it was a threesome, is that an orgy now?) with him and another by saying “My body is a wonderland…” and now he’s all ticked off and having hissies all over social media and denying it happened.

So therefore, it really did happen.

Soapbox BlaBla gets all in her feeling about the group and how everyone is inauthentic (she’s right, but uhhhhhhh so is she, she’s forgetting that part.) So this is a typical BlaBla moment, as opposed to a voice of reason moment.

“The way everyone is moving is like ickkkkkkkhhhhhh.”

Yeah BlaBla, so is someone who got some bad press, and is suddenly pretending to be ‘softer’ understanding, and empathetic of other people’s feelings.

Fuck me. You can’t make this shit up.