Southern Charm 1/4/24

Okay my fellow Bravo Buffs – it’s Southern Charm finale!

It’s been … not that interesting. The show is getting stale and I think we all just need to admit that, and so does Bravo. I would say clean house, and keep Craig only.

Speaking of Craig, he needs to lose Paige. It’s increasingly clear that it’s not that she’s ‘not ready’ to do the whole engagement/marriage/baby thing, it’s that she doesn’t want that with Craig.

It’s the tale as old as time. How many times have you heard about a couple breaking up because one of the parties claims to ‘not be ready’ to move the relationship forward, then lo and behold, that party gets engaged/married to someone else shortly after the relationship ends. I foresee that happening with these two.

I think some things with Craig concern her, that may not be compatible her. I don’t really want to go into it. It’s just personality differences. I think she gets impatient with his sensitive side. I would love to have a guy that’s sweet and sensitive, but whatever.

Shep and Austen have just gotten progressively douchey over the last handful of years, to the point of it being unbearable.

Austen actually used to be a decent and nice guy. Then Bravo fame got hold of him I guess? And it went to his head, I think, how Lindsay and Ciara were sort of ‘fighting over him’ on Summer House.

Well, Lindsay’s single, lol.

It’s pretty bad when you miss Kathryn and Thomas arguing. Pretty. Bad.

******

Whitney is having a theme party, the typical Bravo finale, to break in his new bachelor pad, which was once Michael’s digs. Theme is, a 60’s motif which I love, based on a 1967 movie, Valley of the Dolls.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valley_of_the_Dolls_(film)

Whitney’s funny. He’s kind of dorky, but in a sort of cute way. He tries really hard to not be dorky, but he usually fails. I wish he’d find a nice girl (or guy) his age range to settle down with. Patricia needs to give up on grandkids at this point. Even if he met a woman 10 – 15 years younger, she’d be in her 40’s, probably has kids, and not interested in giving a dude pushing 60, a baby.

But whatever, I don’t know, does he even like women?? If he doesn’t, wish he’d come out already. No one will care. No one will judge. His mom will have to get over it. It’s not 1950.

So over Olivia whining about Austen. That’s why I think they both need to go. She talks, and all I hear is Charlie Brown adult noise.

Austen accuses her of being hot and cold, and all over the place with how she feels for him. But he’s doing the same fucking thing. The two of them are fucking dip shits. They sound stupid. Olivia is gorgeous. I don’t know why the hell she keeps putting up with this shit.

I like the way she describes in her yap, as to why she keeps letting herself get convinced that he loves her, and wants a relationship. “I keep holding on to that tiny bit of hope that he could change.”

Girl I feel ya. And he’s NOT going to change. If anything, he’s going to keep getting worse. Move the HELL ON. You’re too good for this clown. Period.

******

I have to wonder, is it a southern thing for dudes to do shit like shop together and show each other their outfits? It’s just fucking weird. Does Production make them do this??

MY outfit is way cuter!!!

Having said that, I do like JT’s ‘outfit’ for the 60’s theme. Rod’s not so much. I didn’t even think guys said ‘outfit.’ I’ve literally never heard a guy say outfit, unless they were telling me “I like your outfit,”

I don’t know what’s with the weird simulated therapy session they’re doing.

He wants to tell Taylor that he likes her. Okay, they are officially high school girls.

******

Brett and Madison are a perf example of how it looks when you have a dude that’s not chaotic and fucking insane.

But not sure why he pops open a bottle of champs first thing in the morning. Like it’s not even mimosas. Maybe he was trying to get lucky.

Or maybe she’s just got him trained!! Even if the champagne on an empty stomach, early in the morning, after vitamins, did make her puke. It’s the thought that counts.

He apologizes for not bringing it in an ice bucket. Where did she find this guy?? Does he have a dad?

Anything else I can do for you???

I do want to say this though, in regards to watching them interact, and it could be him not used to being followed around by camera people, but they seem a little awkward around each other. Like two not great friends, that don’t see each other that much. Maybe it’s the long distance dating, and now a long distance marriage. They really don’t know each other that well. Which is probably good for Brett.

She’s a completely different person around Brett than she is around the crew. I guess one could say she’s playing a ‘character; when she acts like an evil little cunt, but I’m leaning towards she’s playing a ‘character’ when she’s around Brett.

I also don’t think she wants to have another kid.

No matter what the hell she says, he smiles sweetly at her, and answers, “that’s fine I don’t care.” What’s wrong with him? Does she drug him, or what? He is so mesmerized by her. I’m a little concerned for him. I think he should be checked on,.

I don’t know you that well, but you’re hot.

******

Patricia is still recovering. She wants her dog Peaches brought to her, who did NOT want to go up to see her. AT ALL. Doesn’t seem like she likes Patricia. Maybe she’s holding a grudge that she made her marry Little Craig.

I don’t wanna see that cracra old lady that pimped me out!!

She drills Whitney on his love life. He tells her, “you can’t rush things, you’ll find the right girl…”

Dude, you’re 54/55. You need another excuse. He’s wringing his hands and seems really anxious about this convo. He says Shep will take care of him should anything happen to Patricia. He’s even doing the Shep leg shake. He said it as if in jest, but don’t really think it was. Think he’s in love with Shep. Well, they make an adorbs couple!! Was that a Freudian slip? I don’t know!

Would you be mad if I’m into Shep???

******

I LOVE 60’s mod. These dicks better bring it! We got a preview of JT and Rod when they were modeling for each other like teenage girls.

Rainy day for the soiree. Reminded me of the dog wedding last season. Maybe they shouldn’t host anymore outdoor parties at Patricia’s.

It’s supposed to stop raining in an hour.” Famous last words. Whitney tells the party planner that, twice. She looks at him like she thinks he’s a bonehead. She’s like “AHHH KNEEEWWW.” She’s thinking – Dude, you just said that. He’s so awkward around women.

Maybe you’ll meet a nice southern guy tonight.

I love how everyone is on this ‘the moon landing was fake’ bandwagon, now that TikTok has been playing the video, and pointed out that the footage looks a little sketchy. No one thought that before? No one thought the phone call to Nixon from the moon in 19 fucking 69 was a little questionable? Whatever, it was the 60’s. I’m sure everyone was high anyway, and didn’t care.

Anywho, more importantly, I love Paige’s outfit. I can already see she’s going to be my best-dressed of the night.

Did they even HAVE phones back then??

Her 60’s era makeup and hair are on point. Her whole vibe is kind of 60’s to me. Who cares about the raggedy dudes and what the hell they’re wearing.

Dudes do NOT need to carry umbrellas. Embarrassing. What a bunch of girls. Jesus.

And why weren’t any of these ding dongs smart enough to just close their umbrella to get through the gate?? Leva, thought you were the smart one? You’re brunette!!! Step it up!!

Maybe I’ll just fly over?? Closing it is NOT an option!

I said I wasn’t going to comment on the guys, but they all look like pimps or porn stars.

They remind me of Burt Reynolds’ character in Boogie Nights. Whitney did say the movie was ‘soft porn.’

Austen telling his sister he wants Olivia to apologize to him – he HAS to be saying that just to purposely sound like a douche. Probably Producers’ advice. He really can NOT mean that.

Why do we sometimes call Taylor ‘Taylor Ann?’ Is this what she officially wants to go by? And why?

It sounds stupid. Like take the most common millennial girls’ name, which I’m sorry is kind of dumb, kind of like ‘Madison’ sorry again, and combine with the most common girls’ middle of all time. I’m being petty, but I’m allowed. Her paretns could have used a little imagination.

Shep gets weird when Taylor enters a room. If he gives no shits about her, then why the anxiousness when he sees her? I’m not saying they should get back together. I wouldn’t wish Shep on my worst enemy. He does still have feelings for her. He’s just not capable of being faithful.

He’s also an entitled, spoiled fucking ignorant douche bag that should have been drowned at birth. I’m kidding OF COURSE.

Would it be like weird and ironic to make a drinking game out of every time someone’s popping open champagne on Bravo?? They drink champagne like it’s water.

Madison orders Brett to bring champagne to Patricia. He does.

So after hearing this convo between Madison and Patricia, which usually makes me want to yank, listening to Madison constantly crawling up her asshole, I’m realizing they have known each other a while prior to her being on the show. Patricia says she knew her when she had her son, who is ten. I’m assuming she was her hairdresser perhaps? This could be how she got cast on the show. Whitney is the producer, remember.

Tired of hearing about her and this ‘baby’ and how Jamaica was “her last hurrah.” She’s not having a dang baby. I’m pretty sure of that. They seem too awkward around each other to even be having sex,

******

JT approaches Taylor. He really is going to do this ‘professing his love’ thing for her?? I guess it’s okay, if HE goes for Taylor but Austen wasn’t allowed to?

And it was okay that Rod went for Olivia, when they’re both part of the ‘friend group’ too? I don’t get it. Sounds a little hypocritical to me.

Well, whatever. That was hard to watch.

Why is Taylor wearing disco balls as earrings? She’s in the wrong decade.

Well, she lets him down easy. Poor wittle guy. I just wanna give him a hug.

But don’t you like my outfit??

Austen summons Olivia. Venita feels dumb as she says to him “no, she’s not going to do it.” I mean really Venita, butt out. Did you really think Olivia wouldn’t be saying “how high?” as soon as this dude says “jump.” Like girl, pay attention, pahlease.

We need like, one smart chick on this show. Sadly I think part time Leva is the only one one with half a brain, that’s not a complete ditz.

Now Shep requests to speak with Taylor, for his last ditch effort to make sure she’s still obsessed with him, similar to Austen’s dire need to speak to Olivia.

And it is the finale, where coincidentally there’s always some sort of festivity, and some sort of altercation at said festivity.

Shep doesn’t want Taylor, but doesn’t want anyone else to have her. Typical.

When Austen looks at Olivia, you can tell, or at least I can, that he feels nothing for her. Nothing. The only chick on here out of all of his conquests, ‘relationships’ and hook-ups, is Madison, I hate to say it, that he had any type of actual feelings for. And I think she’s the one he’s still hung up on. The way he interacted with her is completely unlike the others.

I just want to have ‘so many girls’ apologizing to me so I feel like a big stud.

They do the same blahblahblah shit that they ALWAYS discuss. They both behave the same inconsistent way to each other.

I like this: “At what point do you want to stop having these conversations, and have one with yourself?” Ahhhh, I might steal that. He demands an apology.

Meanwhile, the same type of circle jerk typical convo with a fucking narc, is going on with Taylor and Shep. She again name drops Austen of who she’s wanting to go for. She knows that annoys the shit out of him.

JT cries to Rod about Taylor’s dismissing his feelings for her, but in a sweet kind of way.

What is Rod wearing?? Nothing about his look is 60’s Mod.

What’s with these guys that say “I still want to message you.”

Does that fuck with the head of an ex that you know is hung up on you?? Like he knows it does. It’s so fucking selfish.

Why does she want to be with this guy that cheated on her and treated her like shit??

I have never seen this thing that they do with a wine glass and their arm?? Is it a Southern thing, or just a new thing, and I’m completely out of the loop?

So we’re down to last five minutes of the finale, everyone’s all juiced up, so you know shit’s going down.

Austen is “DONE WITH OLIVIA.” Jesus Christ, that sound familiar.

Poor little JT’s all cranked up, pining over Taylor, and I’m sure that he wants to secure his next season position.

Austen taunts his shortness as he’s kneeling on a bar stool. From my experience, short guys don’t like to have pointed out to them that they’re short.

I don’t care if you’re tall, you’re a fucking pussy!!

JT is jealous of Austen, I don’t know why. He’s no one to be jealous of. He’s not scoring points with Taylor right now, but guess his Bravo points are more important.

He gets all in his face, Austen shoves him, then JT head butts him, yes head butts. I don’t know that I actually ever saw anyone head butt someone before. It seems a little — psycho.

Thought dudes punched each other, not pushed and head butted. I think he does it three times. I mean that’s a pretty big pussy on Austen’s part, to let someone strike you three times, and do nothing back, whether it be shoving, punching, or head butting.

Austen goes outside and cries. I’m sorry, I’m sure JT’s getting dragged for appearing jealous and a little unhinged, but Austen looks like a big giant pussy. If I were a dude, I would rather look unhinged than like a pussy that had no idea how to fight.

Reunion preview: Does Madison ever stop talking about her tits?? Like honest to God, is the new husband seriously okay with her acting trashy??

It looks like Taylor got a nose job, or is she’s just not as skinny? Something is different with her face.

Olivia needs lipstick.

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