Here we go – so many silly things to make fun of on this ep that I’ve been excited to tackle!
A lot of these scenes are getting dragged and ridiculed like crazy on social media.
The bleaching, the breakup, the girlfriend sharing, the outfits, the outfits.
I could do an article every week just breaking down the horrible shit these people are wearing. This is LA! Step. It. Up.
By the way it’s Season 11, Episode 11.
Picking up with the beach argument.
Again Brock dude, cool it on the Dear Abby advice thing. Tell us again about your first marriage? And how you hit her? And how you left the continent to supposedly ‘make money for you family’ but never went back, never sent money, let another dude adopt your children??
I think Scheana wants him to shut up too. She’s probably thinking the same thing.
BlaBla, again defends fucking Sandoval.
Sandoval who got Ariana this battery endorsement when he bitched about her not buying batteries, (his point was her not contributing to the household) again is dumb enough to reiterate this same fucking spiel, and in his yap goes after her again for not doing any shopping or replenishing household essentials.
At this point, we do get it Sandoval, and you know what, it doesn’t justify you fucking her friend for seven months. If you let her lie around all day and be lazy doing everything, without speaking up, then that’s kind on you too.
He gets called out by a producer for going there again. He doesn’t seem to really care, or maybe it didn’t register – remember he claimed to have been suicidal earlier in the season to Lisa when the Duracell commercial dropped. He says she’s going to be in for a rude awakening when she gets her own place.
Katie is now in some sort of lesbian era. I thought she has been dressing weird. She wants to date this chick that Scheana fixes Schwartz up with.
What is happening? Not that there’s anything wrong with this, but for real, what is happening?
Sandoval buys random chicks a round of shots at the beach bar. Same one where the rest of the crowd goes after Schwartz took him there to get him away from Ariana. Guess there is no other bar or food establishment on Venice Beach.
Tori thinks Schwartz is ‘fly.’ Fly?? 1992 called and they want their expression back.
This dude is so awkward with women. It’s painful to watch. I’m in pain.
Katie crashes Schwartz and Tori’s little date thing, and points out the bottle he bought is not champagne, Settle down doubt they have good actual champagne at this beach side little dive bar. I’m just shocked a pic of her smiling.
Poor Schwartzie
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BlaBla, Scheana and Ariana have a sort of, and I use this word loosely, serious discussion about Sandoval and the whole fucking thing.
BlaBla is doing that pretend to be empathetic and sincere thing with her, similar to how she spoke to Raquel last season in the car on the way to Vegas or wherever, and she meant none of it.
For whatever fucking reason her loyalty is with fucking Sandoval. And as of now, to date, April 2024 based on what I’m reading she has burned her bridges, and is not speaking to Ariana nor Scheana.
She dabs at a fake tear for affect. Someone get her a cryangle please.
They try to reason with fucking greedy tightwad clueless Ariana and explain to her that her sanity and cutting this dude out of her life is more important than a fucking ugly chandelier and some knick-knacks.
I’m on Ariana’s side – I am!! She was cheated on by a sleazy entitled lying cheating sack of shit.
Having said that I am just NOT buying her June Cleaver act of ‘OMG my dream home’ and ohhhhh I spent soooooo much time organizing and decorating it and putting my heart and soul into it.
Please. I wish she would just be truthful and say she’s pissed off that he deceived and lied to her and humiliated her, and stop making it about that stupid ugly house that is nothing special.
And do we notice she keeps talking about the house, and not the relationship. Very telling that she’s not THAT mad about the relationship ending.
With all of the endorsements and opportunities that she received due to the break-up, she can buy the exact same fucking ugly white barn and fucking decorate it with the same fucking ugly crap!!
My. God.
Stop insulting viewers’ intelligence Ariana!! And when you look at how girlfriend cashed in on the break up, and how so many other regular women are cheated on and disrespected by their husbands or partners, who really WERE into homemaking, and creating, as well as working full-time jobs, and actually have children, not these pretend phantom ones she keeps referring to, it’s kind of irritating and hard to feel sorry for her.
And I struggle if I should put that out into the Bravo universe, because I don’t want it to sound like I feel any type of sympathy for Sandoval. And I don’t want to sound jealous, but of course I kind of am. It’s hard not to be. I don’t hate her for it. I just wish she’d be honest and stop putting on this Susie Homemaker act. She had no interest in marriage, kids or organizing and keeping their home. Period.
What Sandoval did to her was shitty and deceitful. I think we should concentrate on that, and lose the ‘dream house’ and June Cleaver schtick because I’m not buying it and she sounds silly saying it, when she not once used this type of rhetoric in ten fucking years.
And nobody that’s devastated over the loss of a partner, says “I put so much of my time and MONEY (she stresses that word) into making this my dream home.”
Ariana nods in agreement, as she tries not to smile at the reminder of all of the money she’s going to be making, to BlaBla’s comment of taking opportunity from the break-up by the balls.
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Katie is turning it up a notch trying to get with this chick that Schwartz is interested in. I hate this yap look of hers by the way.
She is coming off as desperate for attention to me, and looking for this shock factor from everyone.
They keep laughing as they’re kissing. To me if you’re really into kissing someone for the first time, you’re usually not laughing. I would be seriously concerned if someone was kissing me and started laughing. Probably means they’re not that into you.
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So we have a bizarre outing at a giant hot dog along the road with BlaBla and Jo. This seems about as realistic and organic as Katie making out with that chick, and Ariana crying over her ‘dream home.’
Blabla is dressed like sexy Sandy in Grease to eat a hot dog.
There really is enough material in this episode to just comment on these outfits and nothing else.
I’m sure most of you have heard how JO is getting Dra—AGGED for no particular reason, just being her extremely quirky self. There are a lot of impersonations of the weird talk and mannerisms.
They talk Hotel Ziggy. Jo in her yap refers to BlaBla as the ‘ticket’ to be on VPR, I mean become Schwartz’ lifelong partner. That was such a weird fucking thing to say. It’s like she said the quiet part out loud.
Okay here’s one of the asinine scenes and convos I was excited to dive into. It’s just so fucking preposterous for Jo to claim she had no clue Sandoval and Raquel were banging.
She tells BlaBla she didn’t know because while she was in their presence, she really didn’t ‘watch’ them or think about it. I can’t.
Then in her yap she claims that she thought Sandoval and Ariana were broken up. Naturally she would have no fucking idea, because it’s not like there’s a fucking TV show that they’re on, as a couple.
My God. She contradicts herself by telling BlaBla she simply was in her own world, due to her gaga- ness over fucking Schwartz and just didn’t pay attention, and it wasn’t ‘a thing.’
Can’t make this shit up.
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Little golf outing with James, Ariana, Ally and Katie. I don’t get how Ariana looks a little chunky to me but seems to have visible ab muscles.
They discuss Katie’s make out sesh with Tori at the beach side bar/restaurant thing. James wants the skinny of how it all went down from start to finish. He needs the deets.
She claims this had NOTHING to do with Schwartz, and she doesn’t care AT ALL what he’s doing. It was just purely coincidental that she decides she suddenly into girls, and of all of the gay and/or bi girls in all of fucking LA, she decides on this chick Schwartz is interested in.
I’m sick of all of the fucking fakery and lies and fucking bullshit, that they can’t possibly think viewers are actually buying.
Those Bloody Mary’s look terrible. They look like they were made with Campbell’s tomato juice and nothing else. This is not the type of place where I would think ‘hey a Bloody Mary sounds good!’
James in his yap, you can always count on James. “Why is everyone acting like this so fucking normal, let me paint the bloody picture …” And proceeds to break it all down. Thank you James. I like how this dude sees through these dumb ass’s bullshit. James may be an idiot too, but at least he’s being his true authentic idiot self.
Glad to hear after two months Ariana is finally getting back to Sandoval’s offer.
But I guess I shouldn’t be blasting her too bad. Two months isn’t that long, just seems like a lot to have not even acknowledged the message when you live in the same goddamned house, but I know this dumb broad that’s been dragging out initiating her divorce for like three years after she left the dude.
Poor pathetic creep that’s been waiting on her like a dummy. Oh well, you reap what you sow. You get what you give. Garbage in, garbage out.
I guess Ariana in all of her infinite wisdom and intelligence, who seems to be quite the penny pincher, since she can’t even buy batteries or paper towels, doesn’t even realize if she forces the house to be sold by not coming to a buy-out agreement, she’s looking at paying Realtors around 120g commission??
But she’s the smartest. And she wants that custom chandelier and the end tables, or she cannot move on with her life.
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Blala moves from dressing like Sandy, to looking like a naughty school girl, in a tweed blazer and skirt – in July – to go to a sperm bank. I don’t know what the hell she;s trying to prove here.
Scheana tags along. Another point that’s so easy to make fun of in a disturbing kind of way, is BlaBla’s constant, ‘I don’t want to share my child – I want it to be MINE- ALL MINE!!! This one will be mine and nobody else’s!’
I know women do opt to go this route and I’m not 100% against it, although it is a little unconventional, I just literally never heard a woman speak like that, ever in regards to having a child. Seems like having a kid for all the wrong reasons if I ever heard it. Of course aside from her reasoning for the first child, which was to seal the deal with a dude she thought was loaded and into her.
This meeting is awkward. I’m sure you all know by now she is pregnant via a sperm doaner, and she’s looking so forward to not having to ‘share.’
I think dudes donating their sperm and having an unknown child or children out there is a little strange, and I doubt dudes do it to ‘help the greater good’ as this dude tries to say.
They shit talk Ariana a little bit because why wouldn’t they?
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Okay the bleach fiasco breakdown that we’ve all been waiting for! Viewers seem to think this was intentional on Jo’s part to ‘get back’ at Schwartz.
A lot of hair stylists commenting about her bleach applying technique, and insisting that she couldn’t possibly be a real hair stylist. Someone even looked her up with the California board and said she wasn’t showing as licensed, but I may have stumbled across the answer to that one.
Her real name is Kayleigh. So she’s gone down the Jax route, and changed her name to something completely different for the show.
I’m sure she knew he would look idiotic, but Schwartz being so submissive, just went along with it. You can tell when he walks in she’s perturbed and has an agenda. Assuming she’s pissed because she heard about the Tori chick.
“Are we going to bleach it??”
“Yeah it’s not a big deal.”
Taking your hair from brown to Billy Idol white is kind of a big deal. She immediately asks what he did last night, and you get the feeling she knows the answer.
She aggressively applies the bleach directly to his scalp which is a no-no based on what I’m seeing on social media, which makes sense. It’s bleach. She seems like she might be on some amphetamines or something.
The owner looks on in utter horror.
He tells her about the date sharing of Tori with Katie, then she invites herself to the guys’ outing that night to a singles’ mixer. She looks like she’s ready to kill someone. She’s scaring me a little bit. I guess it’s good she’s bleaching and not cutting??
The owner asks how it’s going, she seems concerned. Schwartz admits “it’s burning now.”
Guess he wasn’t going to say anything until he was asked?
She massages it into his scalp a little, why wouldn’t she, since he said it was burning.
And as predicted it looks ridiculous. For some reason it’s making him look chunky which I can’t figure out what hair color would have to do with it, but I’m sure it’s science.
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Okay another very cringe-worthy scene. It’s girls night out and what in the LITERAL FUCK?? Bravo for the love of God, please stop with these slo-mo scenes. Especially when you have a crew dressed like this.
This scene was compared to Bridesmaids when they were boarding the plane and most of them were dressed strangly for a flight.
And you have the same sitch here. They look like a bunch of weirdos, Katie especially, BlaBla second, Ariana third, and I understand this place where they were headed is sort of a dive – Fox Fire Room.
However, they all think they look pretty ‘fly.’
Does someone really gasp “wowwwwww” when they walk in? It definitely looks like a dive/sports bar kind of vibe.
Blabla trying to combine her thug look, a knit cap – it’s JULY, and semi-normal new ‘softer’ BlaBla with a floral dress.
Katie combining high boots (July) with a visible bra, sequined skirt and a baseball shirt. I’m telling you, I should have done a segment just on these fucking ugly ass ensembles.
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Schwartz and Jo head to the singles soiree, and she can’t keep from combing her fingers through his hair non-stop.
And here we have the finished product. Yes, whoever said Dad-Bod Ken, I agree with.
Sandoval has a weird looking dude that could be his brother, honestly, in tow, whose caption is ‘Tom’s assistant’ so I guess Ann’s got the green light to work for Ariana.
Jo still won’t stop fussing with his hair as he talks about Tori.
This is so fucking weird. I know it comes with the territory, to an extent, but this is just getting to be too much.
And no Schwartz if you’re 40, this is not a ‘pre-mid-life crisis’ it’s an actual mid-life crisis, referring to his orange and white hair.
BlaBla proudly announces to the girls that she had a hot dog with Jo. Katie doesn’t approve. Well, Katie goes nuts and makes her Katie faces. BlaBla does not care.
She’ll have a hot dog with whomever she wants to have a hot dog with. Seems Schwartz arranged the meet-up, and when Katie disgustingly asks why – well obviously BlaBla snaps at her “Because I’m soft right now Katie!!” OBVIOUSLY.”
I mean, look how ‘soft’ and sweet she is!!
Can’t make this shit up!
Also never heard anyone running around referring to themselves as ‘soft.’ Sounds a little like, I don’t know, it may be an act or a forced behavior?? If you have to keep announcing that you’re a nice person, or ‘soft’ then just maybe you’re not really a nice person. Or soft – whatever the fuck that means.
These guys trying to talk to girls at this single mixer is just out of my realm of abilities to describe it sufficiently.
Then we have Jo creeping around trying to cock block Schwartz. He kisses a chick. Jo announces she’s leaving, all pissed off. I guess the orange hair was her first attempt at cock-blocking, which didn’t seem to work, believe it or not.
She bitches in her yap that she feels like a secret and was not under the impression he was going to pick up girls, just support Sandoval.
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Guy paint balling activity and who cares. Stupid Brock wears his short shorts that Scheana should be burning, and a T-shirt. Guess he’s okay getting hit on bare skin with a paint ball. Dumb ass.
Sandoval looks like a Power Ranger.
BlaBla tells Ally and Scheana she knows Katie has been unhappy for a long time. I mean, ya THINK?? Every picture I have of her from this season and last, she’s scowling. I have not one photo of her smiling.
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Okay here we go final hysterical, but supposed to be serious, I think, scene of the night: Jo and Schwartz discuss their situationship.
“Am I sending you mixed signals?”
If by taking her on dates and sleeping with her, you mean ‘mixes signals’ then yes, I guess so Schwartz.
And for the love of God, this bleached hair has to go. And also for the love of God, please don’t wear a white shirt.
He tells her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship AT ALL.
In his yap recounting this scene, his hair is back to normal, so I guess he did see the writing on the wall, and ditch that shit. He should’ve broken it off iwth her just for that.
Jo is not taking it so well and gets a little too grovelly for my liking. She needs to just suck it up. He’s being pretty blunt that he doesn’t want to date her.
They do their weird noises and hand gestures. We can make fun of them all we want and we do, but they do have a cute banter together, and that is hard to find.
If Schwartz isn’t feeling it with her, then he’s not feeling it with her. She’s definitely a better fit for him than fucking miserable Katie Baloney. Schwartz isn’t for everybody, and I feel like this is a missed opportunity for him.
He awkwardly repeats “Joseph Joseph” in the weird voice when she walks out of the apartment.
