Erin’s party is impeding, and Ubah treats her to borrowing some mega jewels to wear to the event. I honestly thought she was going to complain that she was too bougee to ‘borrow’ jewels. Ubah is so cool.
Love these pink earrings that they flashed on for a second. I’m sure they’re only like 100 grand. Look how cute! They’re Barbie pink!
Jessel and Brynn shop at some bougee designer boutique. Brynn wants to go ‘black tie’ even though it’s not a requirement.
I didn’t realize a ‘black tie event’ referred to the women’s attire also. I thought it just meant that the dudes have to wear a tux??
I did a quick search on the ‘rules’ for women and black tie, and not a shocker, they suggest boring blahhh black. The rules are kind of common sense, when obviously a black tie event is very formal and dressy. A very formal, and high quality (not Shein) dress or gown. Although when I googled this, a $26 Schein dress was the first ad I saw, lol.
“For women, our favorite pick is a black dress. If you are looking to wear color instead of black, go for solid neutral hues, classic patterns, and deep rich jewel tones. Opt for a floor-length dressed rather than shorter dresses. Choose opulent fabrics for your gowns such as silks, satin, velvet, chiffon, and lace.”
Brynn and Jessel shade Erin’s anniversary/vow renewal soiree by pointing out all of the ‘sponsors’ on the invites. So that is kind of weird. Seems to imply that these businesses are paying for it, or offered their services for free. Whatever, who cares.
Jessel and Brynn discuss how she and Erin have decided to just squash this whole beef when she apologized at her charity event.
The ‘cackling hags’ comment, the bitching in The Hamptons, and whatever else. Brynn points out what I said, or I think I said it, or I at least thought it, that Erin has had some stupid petty issue with like four of the ladies already.
Let’s look at the common denominator. She’s just a pissy little entitled bitch. She’s not a horrible person, she’s just a little full of herself, and chooses to make the biggest fucking deal ever, out of everything.
******
Jenna is dabbling in interior design. Okay, I love this woman. I love her. Not like that, but she’s just so cool, and I love cool down-to-earth people that don’t seem to have a multitude of issues. And don’t blame everyone else for those issues.
******
Moving on to someone who could also take a lesson in being down to earth, and not so fucking serious all of the time, Erin. She meets Abe for dinner for their anniversary.
I’m not trying to be judgy, I’m okay with showing some skin, but the slit in her dress, seems a little high. It is a hot date night with her super cute and cool, EASY GOING, AND SWEET hubby, so whatever, you go girl. I’m sure he got laid that night. Since he conducts himself like an actual grown-up, I’m sure he didn’t spew out awful things to her on the way home, to the point she got a massive headache, and threw up. I digress.
I think I’m bringing up the high slit, mostly because it’s so extreme, that she seems uncomfortable with it, and not really able to move around freely, without feeling like her lady parts are out. She keeps grabbing at it and pulling it down. Also, it’s black, and boring. We know how I feel about solid black. But other than the color, and the obnoxious slit, it’s cute, and wintry.
This whole vow drama with these two, claiming that they “never said vows” at their wedding. I know they’re Jewish, so I did look that up, and there are not the traditional ‘in sickness and in health, til death do us part…’ regurgitated verbiage exchange in a Jewish wedding. Which, let’s be honest, are just words, and empty promises anyway. Just because you ‘vow’ to conduct yourself in a certain way, and treat your partner a certain way, means nothing.
And the ‘til death do we part’ bit. Please. It really should be ‘til divorce do we part’ or ‘til a better deal comes along, do we part.’
Or, one that bangs and sucks me on demand.
So they didn’t do the writing their own vows thing. I’m sure a lot of couples don’t. Who cares. These two seem to like to make it appear that everything about them is so unique and exceptional.
And this too, that they keep repeating, how they were ‘so young.’ She was 25. I assume he’s close in age to her. That’s not THAT young, for getting married. I would say 25 and over, is kind of average. But they sit here and act like they’re so special.
Oh, and they BARELY knew each other. He proposed after nine months. Again, it doesn’t seem that abnormal. It’s under a year but it’s not ridiculously early to get engaged.
So they were together for two years, before they got married. Isn’t that like kind of the norm?? I don’t get why they keep pointing things out that are kind of average, to make themselves appear so distinctive. If they got married at eighteen, and knew each other for a month, then fine, brag away, that you’re happily married after ten years. Not the case. They sound like a couple of fucktards, honestly.
Abe orders a marg, and it’s too fruity and ‘Mexican’ for him, so he tells the server he doesn’t want it (nicely.)
Can’t believe what Erin says to the server. “He doesn’t want his MEXICAN drink.”
I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but that seemed kind of not cool to say. To me, it sounded derogatory, the way she said ‘Mexican.’ Like “get that embarrassing Mexican drink off of our table now! Do we look Mexican? Don’t you know who we are?” I think his main issue with the drink, was that that the presentation looked kind of girlie.
Dude, you ordered a fucking margarita. I get it, it looked a little froofroo, but have it dumped in a tall glass. What a douche.
He then orders a Julio on the rocks. I guess that’s not a “Mexican drink.” Whatever. I do want to like them, but they come off as entitled and pretentious, and wanting to appear so exclusive.
He then presents her with a huge fucking rock. I mean, like really. I think I’m going to go throw up right now. I just broke up with a disgusting dude that literally made me throw up one night, because he was acting like such a fucking douche bag. Oh, and for NO REASON. That’s every girl’s dream right? A dude that makes you puke. Oh well, he has a new girlfriend now that looks like a really ugly man. So… yeah. Guess that’s my revenge. They’re both fucking psycho with daddy issues, so whatever. Match made in heaven.
He likes her though. She kisses his ass, and never closes her legs.
Erin sits here in this bougee NYC spot, with this adorable dude who slips her a massive diamond while telling her she’s wonderful, and how much she deserves it. Fuck me, where did I go wrong? Besides everywhere.
Whatever. And this bitch sits and complains about the most insignificant, petty ass bullshit. Her life is a fucking fairy tale, but God forbid someone should complain about The Hamptons mansion being chilly.
******
From annoying Erin, to the other one that needs to learn to loosen the hell up a little. Jessel. She summons Pavit on her phone to join her, from within their apartment. And no, not for sex. Seriously she couldn’t get up off of her ass and walk around the corner?
So they discuss their huge problem, this preschool dilemma again, for their one year olds.
Jessel’s attitude is, sky’s the limit, and Pavit’s is more of a normal person’s, that doesn’t feel the need to keep up with the Joneses.’ This is PRESCHOOL. She really does remind me of vintage Alex and Simon in that respect. Like social climbers. Alex was at least pleasant and likable though.
She immediately looks distressed, and snaps at him, the second he approaches her, to send her the email of the pre-school application. This poor dude. I feel almost as sorry for him as I feel for myself. She’s such an unpleasant fucking hag. And hag was my word first, before she called the ladies ‘cackling hags.’
She’s just so fucking UNPLEASANT. She’s condescending AF, and dismissive of every single thing that he says. “You don’t understand the urgency of this” she snaps.
No he does not, Jessel, because there is zero fucking urgency. She goes on and on about what these preschools offer, different languages, whatever, this is too cringy to even watch. She likes the Montessori school, and sells it to Pavil that celebrities’ kids go there and it’s a “high profile school.” Pavil tries to pretend to care. This is very entertaining right now, and is actually real and not scripted. I’ll give them that. Sadly, this is really how she acts.
“Is this feasible?”
“Are you crazy, $62,000?” (per kid I assume)
Not sure what Pavil does, I don’t think he’s a janitor, but I don’t think they’re as loaded as Jessel wishes they were either.
She sounds so desperate as she tries to get him on board with this shit. “You get an ipad and a Mac if you join this school.” (for three year-olds) As if that’s going to be the clincher for Pavil.
She tries to sell it as an ‘investment.’ “Tom Cruise sent his kid there.” Tom Cruise?? Fucking psycho Captain Scientology control freak Tom Cruise is your best example??
“You could be rubbing shoulders with that.” Fucking WHAT?? No, woman, not after he gets wind of this desperate scene. Parents are going to be looking at them like fucking peasants.
This woman, she doesn’t even try to hide what a desperate thirsty social climber she is. If she has no clue how she sounds right now, and was willing to show this to the world, then there is no hope for this broad.
“Omigod, they want boards and certifications, are you part of anything?” How would she not know this of her husband?
And then the exchange that wraps it all up with a big giant bow. They both think that ‘socially inept’ is a positive thing. “Is that a word?” she wonders.
Am I really hearing this this right now? Does she seriously not know what ‘inept’ means? Neither of them know. And she’s an English major, Pavil points out. Good job Pavil. But you didn’t know either. Don’t think you need to be an English major to know that word.
I just can’t right now. I mean the word even sounds like what it means. Inept. Incapable. And what was she trying to say on the application anyway? That they were socially acceptable, and popular?
She seems inept at completing an application and sounding intelligent.
******
Sai, who also is working my last nerve and trying too hard, scolds her son for drawing with markers in her ALL WHITE living room. Just like Jessel’s apartment, stark white rugs, and furniture. Is that smart when you have little kids? I would love to see a house that’s not all white right now on Housewives.
Think outside the box. I know it’s trendy, but is it practical? A house where you have to be afraid you’ll get a smudge somewhere?
Why not do a tan, light sage or gray? Still neutral, if you’re into the neutral tones. Idiots. I have to tell people everything.
She tells David (also a sweetie – she and Erin hit the husband jackpot) that she feels like she just had “like a million events” and it’s such hard ‘work.’ Do these dudes have much older brothers?? I’d be happy with a guy that can just act fucking normal, and not plagued with a gazzillion mommy/daddy and emotional issues. I probably shouldn’t be doing this when I’m in such a bad mood.
******
Erin and Abe, who have three little kids, guess they’re all napping, sit and leisurely eat take-out salads, and chat about their bougee party later, and all of the ladies.
Tough life.
Ubah calls in, and she has covid or tested ‘positive’ for covid, or maybe just doesn’t want to got. Who knows. Why do they keep making these ladies take these fake tests before every event, STILL?
Andy – stop it – this is getting utterly ridiculous. Not surprising he’s still a covidiot. On OC, both Gina and Emily tested positive and had to miss events. And they were not sick. These tests are NOT ACCURATE.
******
Party time, vow renewal, anniversary party, whatever this is, Erin walks in and says “ohmigod, they did such a good job.” So she was not involved in the decorations or preparations, at all. And this is the first she’s seeing the venue?
So that’s weird. I guess all of these ‘sponsors’ handled everything? And she didn’t lift a fucking finger?
I realized who Erin’s dad reminds me of. One of the thugs on ‘Uncut Gems.’ Actually I think he’s a mesh of two of the thugs. Howie’s brother-in-law, and the other guy (spoiler alert) that shoots him at the end. I may have already said that. I don’t remember.
Erin’s dress, don’t even get me started, is absolutely awful. Okay, it’s too late, I’m getting started. The fit is off and awful. The bodice part is so narrow, that some weird shit had to be done with her boobs. I know she’s a small-boobed girl, but it looks like she literally has NONE, because I assume they’re like taped down, which is causing loose skin to be pushed to the sides.
She looks like she had a mastectomy honestly. It’s completely unflattering. It’s a dress style that needed boobs. Fit is very important. It’s so tacky. She is endlessly fiddling with it.
The jewelry security guy presents her with her jewels, and will be following her around all night. I guess that’s how this works. Guess it makes sense when you’re renting thousands and thousands in jewelry. Sad Ubah couldn’t be a part of this.
Erin’s sister looks like Jay Leno. I’m sure she hates Erin. Hopefully she’s the smart one.
Guests begin to arrive. Brynn is sticking with her shades. I suspect she’s kind of, you know, drunk. She did say something about her eyes being bloodshot.
Jessel made Pavil wear a bow tie. His tie is crooked. He’s more dressed up than the groom, who’s not even wearing a tie. And was he serious about the corduroy jacket? I thought it was a joke when he was showing it to her. I feel like the poor sap went so overboard to impress Jessel.
She’s in ‘fashion’ and didn’t’ see that his tie is crooked and approved a corduroy jacket? Okay. This poor guy always appears to be in a survival mode.
Sai comes storming in like someone is chasing her. Or like she’s mad, or on a runway, or all three. Very unnatural. Guess the producers/camera guys forgot to tell her to ‘act natural’ as she made her entrance.
Erin looks judgingly at her dress. I think I like it, not seeing the whole thing though. It’s not black if you can believe it. Looks like it may be swallowing her though, like that thick cream sweater set she wore to a diner in the Hamptons. She brags how she came right from a school thing for her daughter in this dress.
Brynn complains she’s bored. But it’s free drinks. No free food, but free alcohol. She hits on Abe. Offers herself up, for when he’s ready to ditch his wife. Where’s the black dress she tried on at the boutique. Doubt she could afford that.
A very unexpected Housewife crossover. Salt Lake’s Meredith Marks is a guest. Curious how they know each other. I realize she is from New York, I think, and well she she has “fucked half of New York” so I guess it makes sense that she’s here. She knows people. Erin immediately starts the tits and dress dialogue. Maybe she should have worn something that she was comfortable in. I’m just saying. It’s very strange that every single fucking person that approaches her, she points out and yammers about her boobs, and the fit of this stupid dress. I think she knows it might not look right, but is looking for people to reassure her that it does.
Brooks of course, never misses a photo opp, is her plus one. Erin cannot stop talking about her ‘boobs’ in this dress. I think she really thinks it’s flattering. No one is complimenting it because she looks stupid. I guess that’s why she feels the need to keep pointing it out.
Jessel and Pavil speak briefly to Jessel’s dad. In that one-minute interaction she manages to insult poor Pavil. “He doesn’t know anything.” What is wrong with this broad?? Do you wonder why he doesn’t want to fuck you? So tired of hearing ‘break the seal.’ Let’s stop sugar coating it. He’s not fucking her, because he’s not attracted to her because she’s a bitchy miserable hag. I’m sure he doesn’t want the awkwardness of not having a hard-on, if he does go to try. There. Doesn’t sound as cute as ‘breaking the seal’ but let’s call it like it is. Tired of mincing words. She also announces in her yap that they have a girl in the freezer. God, this poor guy.
Jenna tries to do a cute little ass grab thing on Erin, as she talks non-stop to someone else, about this ill-fitting bizarre dress, but she can’t feel it through the metal, so Jenna has to keep doing it. Her dad looks on, kind of intrigued. She had to get in there to the actual crack until she felt it. That was a little awkward, but funny.
Again, with this “we never did vows, we were so young” Abe explains to Jenna. They literally act like they got married at twelve. This is so ridick. Also no one cares. “We didn’t think about it, we only knew known each other for a year and a half at that point.”
They just can’t stop themselves from repeating this idiocy. Between Erin pointing out the bad fit of her dress, and this, I don’t know what’s more boring and asinine.
Jenna doesn’t get it, and is confused. Maybe they should explain to people that the traditional vow exchange isn’t done at Jewish weddings? So that this makes more sense to non-Jews. Do they think everyone knows this? If you’re not Jewish, and never was at a Jewish wedding, how would you know? This was my hunch, which occurred to me after the 86th time they said it, and I was right. So tired of always being right.
So they knew each other well enough to get married, but not well enough to do a ‘vow’ exchange, Jenna ridicules. They sound like idiots.
Jenna announces that her year and half romance is now off. Sai acts like she gives a shit, as she applies lip gloss. She doesn’t. She just wants the tea, and is dying to know who it was. Jenna seems so sad. I love her. She’s such a salt of the earth person. I wanna be her friend. And it’s not because of her closet, her stuff wouldn’t fit me. I’m like Sai’s size (actually I may be a little taller, which never happens.) Although I wouldn’t mind chilling in her cool (non-white) New York apartment, eating cheese, and talking about clothes.
I think when you leave your spouse, move out, get your own place, start fucking around/dating others, but don’t begin to start the divorce proceedings, after two fucking years, there’s an issue there. It’s cowardly, or maybe just lazy. Shit or get off the pot. When I threw my husband out, I called an attorney and filed for divorce literally the next fucking day. Why? Because I DID want a divorce. I WANTED to move on. If you continue to drag it out and make excuses, well then… do the math. Do you really want a divorce?
Seems like the relationship went south due to Jenna now being in the lime light, and her GF didn’t want that. Perhaps she hasn’t come out yet, or maybe she’s still married to someone else, and wanted to have her cake and eat it too. You know, skanky people that like to have a side piece, and likes having two people pay for their shit. Who knows.
Sai complains that Jenna never wanted to talk about the chick she was with and never introduced her to them etc etc. Is she stupid or something? Jenna just fucking explained that the chick wanted to be kept on the down low. How is that Jenna’s fault? She probably shouldn’t have stayed with someone for over a year, that wanted to be kept secret. That’s so hurtful. But I get it. She probably kept thinking that she would eventually come around. When you really love someone, you really want to believe them. Or when you think you love someone.
You can tell she’s so shook. I love her. She’s such a genuine lady. And I feel like I know her, I used to shop J. Crew in her heyday.
This is getting long. So sorry. I did digress a hair or two above. I was trying to make a point.
Jessel: “would you like to have a threesome with me and my husband?”
Okay so I gotta address that, and then I need to wrap up. I do have other things to do, believe it or not. I realize she was joking, (I think) but she’s so dry, that it sounded serious.
First of all, it was so tasteless. Came off kind of low-key, ridiculing her relationship since she’s a lesbian. As if it wasn’t a real thing, since it was a woman. What’s actually not a real thing, is Jessel’s relationship with her husband. Though it may be traditional, there is clearly nothing there, and they need to just to own it and do the right thing, and stop dragging it out. And definitely not bring additional frozen children into this.
Second of all, no Jessel, to answer the question, no one wants to have a threesome with you and your husband. No one wants to even picture that. Not even women that are into it. Your husband needs to leave your ass, and go find a woman he is actually attracted to, and who isn’t cranky and bitchy, and knows how to smile.
Jenna, being Jenna, is such a good sport and just laughs it off. But it was a stupid tasteless thing to say. Like of all things to say to make her feel better. Invite her to have sex with you and your sissy subservient dude who has no attraction to you whatsoever.
In her yap, she sort of addresses the offensiveness of that comment.
Again, with the ‘break the seal’ rhetoric, that if I hear one more time, I’m throwing a brick at my TV. I swear I will. I need a new one anyway. Probably not a brick though, since I don’t have one handy. So whatever is closest is going into Jessel’s face. Just screw the dude. Give him a viagra, guzzle some wine, and get it over with. Sick of fucking hearing it.
The acoustics in this building are awful. The speakers are not even understandable with the echoing.
I think they should have skipped the whole ‘vow’ thing, (because we know!! you didn’t do them because you were SO young and didn’t know each other!!) and speeches, and just had an anniversary party. Then they would have had to supply actual food.
The first dude is holding several pages. Why would you think it’s okay to give a pages-long speech at someone’s event? Wow, their friends are as pretentious as they are! No one is listening. This is so stupid. You don’t give ‘speeches’ at this type of event, you just give quick thank you’s and say something nice. One minute tops.
They’re all sitting at tables. Is there seriously like no food?
“They’re in love, they’re hot, they’re rich, let’s just keep drinking.”
I second that! I do like Brynn’s sense of humor. She knows how to do sarcasm and dry humor. Jessel, not so much.
Speaker #5 and he says – I have no fucking idea. #4 said something about going to China, other than that, it’s completely inaudible.
Jay Leno approaches them and tells them they’re being rude and arguing. Believe it or not, no one was arguing. They were just chatting, and discussing where to eat since your cheap ass sister’s party is boring as fuck, and sucks ass.
Oh and the whole goddamned room is talking amongst themselves. No one can understand these losers droning on and on. Fucking sit down, lady. Brynn promptly points this out. These three shutting up is going to make no difference whatsoever.
#5 – “one night in high school I got arrested for a fake ID.” Dude, not about you. This is embarrassing. Erin and Abe should have been embarrassed when this aired. What a shit show. I don’t care how rich and hot they are, they’re fucking cheap, and they have zero clue how to throw a party and make their guests feel entertained and comfortable.
Now Erin’s mom is talking, and the ladies tell her she’s not allowed. Is Jay gonna yell at her mom to stfu?? This is so hilarious. Wow the snout on that lady. Erin looks nothing like either of her parents. The sister definitely does, unfortunately.
Okay so finally the droners are done, and Erin and Abe take the stage. They give sappy little speeches to each other.
So these weren’t vows, but whatever. I realize I’m being over critical and bitchy. It’s a little displaced anger right now on my part. But the party does fucking suck. Also what’s with her hair? Seems to be cut weird with random choppy pieces sticking out. She shushes everyone.
Awww look how Abe looks at her.
Abe’s turn to read his speech. Again, not vows, but whatever. They’re basically telling each other how wonderful they are. They have no clue that all of their guests are bored shitless. It’s so weird since we’re used to Housewives completely over spending when they have events. We actually have a cheap-ass Housewife guys!!
I feel so bad when they flash to poor Pavil who seems to have problems in that department, after Abe brags about satisfying her physically. He’s probably thinking “okay bragger!” I guess that got people’s attention.
FUCKING FINALLY! The stupid ass speeches are over, and there’s music and dancing. People look like they’re enjoying themselves, finally.
Erin announces that she’s changing. So what. Well maybe not so what, glad she’s getting rid of this epic fail of a look.
Sai announces that she’s starving. Even though I agree, there should have been food. she is kind of a whiner
When you’re having an event, you feed people. You provide alcohol, and you feed people. Isn’t this entertaining 101?? And these two don’t know this? She doesn’t even have a variety of appetizers? Just these gross frozen cocktail weenies in crescent rolls. Guys, I cannot. I’ve never been at a cocktail type event where there was ONE appetizer option. Never.
I guess she was like — “Let them eat cocktail weanies!!!”
Sai is starving, I do need to wonder, does she not eat at home?
If Erin has a rep for being a bad hostess, wouldn’t you eat a big dinner? What I find funny, is that she drilled Jessel at their failed coffee make-up meeting, as to her charity event being catered.
Sia tries to recruit the rest of the ladies to bail, and get dinner.
Someone’s fake hair literally catches on fire. Maybe this was the entertainment. The chick is unfazed. Sai can’t get anyone on board with her to leave, so she storms out, announcing she’s going to Nobu! Guess she’s going alone.
This is the outfit Erin should have worn for the ‘ceremony.’
“I am so pissed…”
And I don’t have to tell you who said that. When is she not pissed?
Super unaware Erin in her yap, “this party was everything I expected, everyone is so excited and so happy for us…”
Who says, ‘everyone is so happy for us?’ Erin, girl, this party blows. The only time they were excited is when your stupid friends stopped talking.
I feel so sorry for her. She actually thinks that dress was flattering, and she actually thinks her party was fun.
