Real Housewives of New Jersey 5/19/24

We’re still at the Jersey shore for all of the festies. The ‘celebration of Life’ party is over and next up is Gorga’s 49th birthday. Melissa had to remind us that she’s five years younger than him. As if we give a shit,

I just realized we’re on our third birthday party, and the season just started.

The Jen Fessler and Teresa fake friendship is do dumb. Her yap session in last week’s episode of how “Teresa’s a good person, I enjoy her…”

Said nobody ever. She’s the furthest thing from a good person. Jesus woman. Nobody ‘enjoys’ that neanderthal. She’s tolerated.

Tell us Bravo told you to be friends with her without telling us Bravo told you to be friends with her. You know it would be believable if she said something like “ I just don’t have the energy to be hating on someone. She’s not my favorite, but I’m willing to compromise and just deal with her. She’s someone that’s better to have on your good side.”

Now that sounds somewhat rational, and we would buy that.

She claims she has ‘no beef’ with Louis and Teresa. Okay. Cool.

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Can we all take a swig of something very strong, like Absinthe every time Melissa says “Joeeeeeeeee!! Oh my God!!”

Dolores is staying with Bill and Jennifer and feels weird going to the party when they are not invited, since Melissa and Jennifer are not speaking. What happened to Dolores’ shore house?

These numb skulls keep referring to the party that Danielle had for her husband as a ‘celebration of life.’ It’s cracking me up.

Dolores encourages her to speak to Melissa.

Simultaneously, Marge encourages Melissa and Joe to invite Bill and Jennifer to the party. What a coincidence.

Melissa thinks Jennifer spread the rumor last season about her cheating on Joe, in case you needed reminded what the issue is.

I could buy that Melissa is capable of screwing around on Joe. I would believe that over Joe fucking around on her honestly, which is usually not the way it works. At least in my experiences.

Jennifer claims the rumor came initially from Margaret, so it’s kind of funny that Margaret is sitting here consoling and giving Melissa advice to make up with Jennifer. Maybe she feels bad.

So they all decide for Joe to call Bill and invite him and Jennifer.

Melissa starts weirdly fluffing her fake hair the entire time he is on the phone. Maybe it’s a nervous tick. It doesn’t look any different from when she started but I guess she feels better.

Bill basically laughs at the invite, declines it expressing that Jennifer and Melissa should first make up before they think about all hanging out together.

Jennifer is elated that Bill has her back for a change. She must have something on him. His demeanor is really different.

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Teresa FaceTimes Joe Guidice and he mocks the way she talks. Leave it to Joe to not be afraid to do that to her face. Joe doesn’t give a fuck.

Joe is in the Bahamas living his best life, with all this Housewife BS behind him. I’m sure he’d rather be in Jersey close to his kids, as he should be, but that’s a whole thing I don’t want to get into.

Teresa tries to brag in her yap that she’s paying for Gabriella’s college, which I kind of doubt. I’m sure loans are being taken out.

She claims Louis is helping to pay. Okay Teresa. Wow the fake news here.

I can’t even deal with her being this skinny and it’s not even mentioned. Are you working out? Keto diet? What? It’s so obvious she did the Ozempic thing.

She and Louie are so cringy together.

They fake discuss Fuda and all of that drama. This conversation is so annoying because you know full well Louie has done all of the things he’s being accused of.

Texts are now being leaked of all of their shady bullshit trying to harass everyone they think has talked about them badly and they hired some lawyer to dig shit up and feed it to be gossip blogs to manipulate the story lines. Most likey how Fuda’s high school side hustle got discovered.

So they discuss this ‘drug dealer’ thing and how she didn’t say he was the biggest drug dealer NOW, she said he was the biggest drug dealer THEN, when he was 17 years old.

So that’s pretty impressive to be the biggest drug dealer in the county when you’re in high school. She clearly said ‘you’re the biggest drug dealer in whatever county’ so okay Teresa, it’s not like it was filmed or anything.

Either way it’s just as bad to throw in someone’s face, shit they did in high school. Also marijuana is legal now, so no one even cares.

I can’t with this woman. She is such a fucking twat.

Fuck. Louie calls Fuda an ugly MF.

Okay dude have you looked at your wife lately?? Have you looked in the mirror lately?? Teresa acts like she thinks that’s hilarious but you can tell she’s annoyed he said that. She knows that will be coming back to bite them. Honestly, these two are just pure ugly on the inside.

Love bubble? Please stop making us nauseous. I’m trying to enjoy my wine here. Louie weirdly randomly says “we’re gooooood.”

Have you noticed in every episode so far, these two keep doing these fucking affirmations of how wonderful their relationship is? What does that usually mean??

As you probably know rumors have been swirling for a good year or so now, that things are not so great, and there have been failed business ventures, and he’s using Teresa for her money. Of which there’s not that much of. But I guess it’s more than none.

Then he proceeds to get on top of her and slip her the tongue which NO ONE wants to see.

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I don’t even know where to begin with this yap look of Rachel’s. She looks like she’s wearing a Halloween costume dressed as a cavewoman, between the wig that looks like one of those $30 wigs you buy in bag and the leopard dress.

She acts like she’s the first one to think of taking a gag gift to a birthday party. This is Joe Gorga. Why would you NOT take a gag gift?

This show is like watching preteens try to adult.

Marge is another one where we’re all acting like the sudden substantial weight loss isn’t even a thing, or Fessler. Basiclly it’s all of them except for Rachel and Danielle.

I’m not really feeling Marge’s overly spray tanned skin and white hair look either. Do these ladies not own mirrors?

The Fuda’s arrive with ‘Josephina’ the blow up chick. I guess Melissa doesn’t know the concept of a gag gift either.

She comments that she just doesn’t get why they would bring this. “What kind of gift is THAT?” What is wrong with these people? These Jersey ladies make me feel like I am a genius. I guess that’s a way to look at it on the bright side.

Joe who has a sense of humor, and I assume understands the gag gift thing, even though he’s far from the sharpest tool, LOVES Josephina!!

What is wrong with Jackie this season? She’ acting so off. Also Why isn’t Evan with her? Was he even mentioned? Did she finally figure out that he was cheating on her and dump his ass?

Not to brag but it’s what I’ve been saying. You could easily tell by his face every time it was brought up.

She comes storming through the door saying “what a partyyyyy. Hi everybody!” in that weird Valley Girl twang.

She kind of reminds me of the crazy aunt on Christmas Vacation when she walks into the living room saying “HELLO EVERYBODYYYY!!!”

All she talks about is Danielle ignoring her. She did say last season that her clothes look like they came right out of the hamper, so yeah bitch maybe she doesn’t want to talk to you.

Perhaps this is why she got the dreaded Housewife demotion to ‘friend’ if all she has to contribute is “why is she ignoring meeeeee??”

Fessler looks pretty annoyed too.

Why is Melissa calling Antonio her mini-me? She looks exactly like Joe and/or a more attractive Teresa.

Rachel and Marge gossip and cry about Fessler being buddies with The Tre Stump.

Meanwhile back in town, Teresa and Louie take the fam out to dinner for Gabriella’s departure celebration. Louie’s son seems like a really nice kid and seems to get along with the girls, Must take after his mom.

I can’t believe Audriana is 14.

Back to the party, we’re taking ass shots out of Josephina.

I would say this gift is a hit.

Now the poor girl is tired from all of that action.

Poor Dolo. The faces between her and Paul when Frank tells them he’s proposing to Brittany.

Paul knows this is added pressure for him, and Dolo is so pissed Frank is engaged before she is. Clearly.

He’s such a fucker. He just HAD to tell her that.

Well I guess pressure is on for Paulie. He’s probably stalling his divorce on purpose because he knows she’s expecting a ring as soon as the ink’s dry.

I guess that’s what conniving people do when they’re just using a new so-called partner and have no intention of divorcing their spouse and lied about it for three years.

What kind of dumb ass would stay with someone like that?

I guess another conniving lying loser with no morals whatsoever. You know the kind that sleeps with married women and projects that onto others,

Marge and Rachel harass Fessler about being chummy with Tre Stump. She tries to minimize it, but keep in mind the yap session where she said and I quote ‘ “Teresa’s a good person, I enjoy her.”

Now she’s telling these two that she was just humoring Teresa so they should shut up about it.

Not this fucking reunion manila envelope argument again.

Jackie gets all worked up and lippy and stretches her giraffe neck way out. “Why does it matter what everyone thinks of Louie? Why are you getting so worked up?”

I think, Jackie the Lawyer, she’s pointing out hypocrisy and contradiction.

Fessler gets all fired up and tells them she’s going to do things her way and not do what they want her to do.

‘Her way’ being what Bravo producers want her to do.

I wish she’d just admit she did say something snarky about ‘not executing the plan.’ She also denies that she’s been bitching about Louie ‘incessantly.’

“It hasn’t been incessantly” is her argument. Okay. Just a lot.

Is this seriously Teresa’s big story line? Other than she married a master liar, user and manipulator and having to deal with that? At least I was smart enough to not marry my master liar, user and manipulator. If I had, believe me, he’d be on divorce #3 and still claiming it’s not him.

So back to this, Fessler gets up and storms out of the party at being told that she’s not a good friend.

Rachel cries to Danielle a bunch of literal fucking gibber jabber about how it’s okay for Danielle to be friends with Tre Stump but not Fessler.

Someone shoot me. Can we go back to the guys eating the sex doll’s ass??

Did you guys hear this shit that Teresa’s been saying that Melissa ‘s Joe’s youngest isn’t Joe’s and she was fooling around with her ex boyfriend in that timeline. Supposedly. Allegedly. And he looks just like him? According to Teresa. How could you tell? He actually looks exactlty like Melissa.