My gosh Isn’t Southern Charm is taking such a downward turn? But, it has been on for close to ten years right? I think nine. Maybe it’s time. They’re getting older, and the way they act isn’t cute anymore. Kathryn’s situation is just so sad to me. I know she doesn’t talk about her kids a lot, I don’t think she’s allowed. I was reading something a few days ago, that she may have lost custody of her kids altogether now. I.m not sure if that was an official finding or just the status quo of when filming was taking place six months ago. Why would she be doing weed if she knew she was getting tested?
This could be the last season we get to hang out with our favorite Charleston residents. I mean, guys, just the previews they ran before the show started, the scene of Pat planning the dog wedding, with this dramatic music playing, as she tells her planner, she wants to hold the wedding this week.
Like COME ON. This is just stupid.
We open with outfit selections with Venita and Madison (my two LEAST fave characters…) Do we call them ‘characters?’ I’m glad they’re not really featuring Venita anymore. Now that Olivia shut down her constant “you’re racist!!” rhetoric, by not inviting her to her little party, she really has nothing to talk about besides her clothes.
Now to Whitney and Shep walking the new couple together along the water.
Shep in a button down for whatever reason, and Whitney in a long tux coat/overcoat combo? With a white T shirt, and weird pointy boots. Make it stop. I actually like the coat, but not for dog walking, with a Hanes undershirt.
Who is really ‘the couple’ here ? Kidding. Mostly. They actually look kind of cute together. They discuss Pats wonderment of how neither one of them will ever get married.
Guys, can Shep drop this “I don’t ever want to get married because I don’t want to get a divorce thing” already?
Just say, “I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to have kids, I just don’t.” It is okay. I have spoken to people over my many years on this earth, guys and girls, that have said something similar.
It’s just not their thing. Too much responsibility, and they don’t want to ‘answer’ to someone. In a marriage you sort of do. You can’t just go to town making plans without checking with your spouse. You know how it is.
And once you have kids, especially for the woman, forget it.
It’s stupid and everyone just buys it, and lets him say it, like it makes any flipping sense.
Andy asked Taylor on WWHL last week if she thought that really was the reason, and I thought she was going to call him out with that being a weird excuse, but she said “yes, she thinks that is the reason.” Look how he acts when the prospect of marriage is brought up. He acts annoyed and disgusted by the whole idea. That’s not fear of getting a divorce, or failure as he puts it. That’s just like is I said above, not wanting to answer to someone.
Also, I think he just likes repeating that “no one in his family has ever gotten a divorce.” We know Shep !!
Fuck me we know! Can I send your hoity toity family a fucking trophy?
He gets on his tangent in his yap and says “if you failed at a marriage, you failed at something” which is kind of harsh. So in my case I divorced my husband because I found out he had like 64 girlfriends. So Oh Wise One, Shep-never- had -a -job-still-lives-off-his-parents-at- 42 Rose, did I fail at my marriage? Or did someone fail me? Shep is such an entitled stupid prick.
They start to discuss Taylor and Shep maintains this thing that Taylor is completely chill about wanting to get married. No dude, she’s not pressuring you to your FACE. Just bitching in all of her confessionals, and behind your back. Guess she did see the light because she has broken up with him. Guess she’s shit out of luck with Schwartzie on Vanderpump. She asked Andy on WWHL to fix her up with him, but in case you haven’t heard, he’s back with Katie.
Speaking of which, Southern Charm Taylor is like Vanderpump Brittany. Did I say that already? Well it’s true.
The perpetual playboy’s love that may finally get him to settle down. She’s super sweet, wholesome and easy going, all of the ladies love her. Even the bitchy ones on the shows loved them both. (Kathryn, Stasi) Except don’t think their story is going to end the same. But hey who knows. Who would’ve thought Jax would get married, and even have a child? Jesus, remember when she drove all the fucking way from Kentucky to LA for him, and he was STILL maintaining “She’s not my girlfriend.” Then cheating on her with that Faith chick?? which, for some reason no one blamed Faith, just Jax.
Anyway, sorry this is Southern Charm, not Vanderpump.
Olivia will be attending this fucking idiotic ‘dog wedding’ with a set up from Marcie, Shep’s cousin. Think she wants a spot next season, but don’t think ‘next season’ will be happening. Oh well. She tried. She seems pretty boring anyway. Tired of hearing about all of her ‘family money.’ It’s bad enough we have to listen to Shep.
I think it’s fucked up Pat couldn’t include Kathryn. I’m sorry. I know Kathryn is so Kathryn, but that’s just so wrong. As they’re telling her about it, Taylor is trying so hard to ignore Kathryn’s faces and ridiculing reaction to it, because she has to act like it’s cool and normal. She needs to kiss up to the rich folks, since she is with Shep.
Her face is like all in her plate when Kathryn is making distorted faces. One of them could have stuck up for Kathryn to Pat, and told her it’s effed up she got excluded. Maybe it’s for the better. She is kind of unpredictable. However, in her defense, her birthday party was her only meltdown so far. And we’re several episodes in.
And what is so funny about her mockery of Patricia in her yap, about the wedding/party whatever, is that it is so on point and literally not unlike what she actually says in her yap when she is talking about the wedding. Kathryn is fun and hilarious when she’s not acting like a crazy person. I love her sarcastic sense of humor. She reminds me of someone I know.
Why exactly are Austen and Madison the Best Man and Maid of Honor again? Did I miss that?
I get why Madison is Maid of Honor, Patrica has kind of taken a shine to her, and of course Madison is happy to oblige, because, YOU know.
Olivia meets her blind date. He’s cute. He reminds me of someone. Are they really ‘blind’ dates anymore when you can easily look someone up now? Even if they’re not big SM people, unless they’re a recluse, you can usually manage to find a photo online. Maybe they should now be called ‘deaf’ dates. Since you know what they look like, but haven’t verbally communicated at all until you meet.
Shep and Taylor are on the way to the nuptials with Little Craig, and they start jokingly discussing marriage advice for Little Craig. Taylor looks something up and finds “when you are at fault, “humbly asking for forgiveness…”
Shep immediately breaks out in a sweat and nervously does that hair tousle he does when he’s anxious, and replies, “ycckkggh that sounds awful.” So you tell me folks, are ya STILL buyin the “I’m worried I’ll get a divorce and fail my family” line?” Taylor looks annoyed.
And then not to brag, in his next yap, here he is with: “I hate weddings!! Every girl has this Cinderella fantasy that Disney has drilled into them, the Prince Charming and the horse, it’s screwed up because there’s NO Prince Charmings! I guarantee the more perfect they seem, the more screwed up they are.” well A to the MEN Shepard Rose! I know I was ridiculing you earlier. Where were ya like four years ago. I could have used that advice. But then again, I should have actually KNOWN that all by myself. As much as I hate it, that was 100% ON POINT.
But he also backed up my speculation that his reluctance to be in a serious relationship, and get married and have kids, and do the whole fucking thing, is NOT because “he doesn’t want to fail.” Why do I gotta tell you people everything ?? It’s hard to always be right. So much pressure.
Okay so back to Patricia getting glammed for this ridiculous affair. Madison jokes about this wedding being nicer than hers. Oh Silly Girl Madison! There is not going to be any wedding with his dude, but bless your heart for being able to make jokes about it and pretend. Shows you’re a good sport.
And what is with Patricia’s preoccupation with Madison? Okay fine, I’ll answer my own question.
I do, of course, know the answer. I think she sees a lot of herself in Madison. A money grubbing hoe gold digger with no regard for feelings and no emotions whatsoever. (She would get along with Erika on Bev Hills too, right??) I think it was Naomie that said last season, she wonders if Pat has ever truly been in love, because she’s so preoccupied with money, and marriage seems like some kind of contract for her.
She says she was married three times. We know what went wrong with Whitney’s father, she touched on that earlier in the season. But what about the other two? Who are they? Was she widowed or divorced? (I think divorced) They were both loaded, we know that, much just from her description of the wedding ceremonies.
She has Madison, in her gown, squatting on the floor and getting Peaches in her wedding outfit. If Michael were still with her, this would have been his job. Does she realize that she’s Pat’s servant right now?
So the ceremony is about to go down and it begins to rain. Shep is confused as to his father of the groom duties. The party planner is attempting to give him instruction, and I swear he is as nervous as if this literally was HIS wedding.
He’s so freaking edgy. “Walk down where??” he yells to this chick. “Down the aisle babe” Taylor informs him like he’s an idiot. He IS acting like an idiot.
Whitney is doing a ‘sound check’ and I think my ears are bleeding. I hope his actual playing is better.
Venita brings Charles and he promptly shits right directly in front of the bar area. No shit! No pun intended!
Honestly I think Charles was telling us something. This episode is a bunch of shit, or Southern Charm is goin down the shitter, or he’s jealous, as we see later could be the case.
They’re all whining they’re chilly. Oh whatever !! It’s probably like 60, and it’s fucking November – get over it! That’s what coats are for. You’re the assholes that are actually attending this shit. No pun intended. Again.
Something is really wrong with Austen, and his behavior around Madison. Really really wrong.
I know who Olivia’s date looks like – an actor I do no know his name, but he played Mark Zuckerberg in the FaceBook movie.
Naomie said she feels awkward with Craig now since their last convo. She’s in her yap looking almost convincing when she swears she’s just tryna be ‘friendly’ (yeah we know you’re ‘friendly’ lately Naomie. Guess you were just being ‘friendly’ to Whitney also.) She’s oh so fucking confused why Craig is giving her the cold shoulder.
“Beats me” she says. Ohhhkay Naomie! It’s not hard to see you’re jealous AF. Craig’s relationship is working out, and yours went to shit. (Sorry Charles has me using ‘shit’ a lot now) Like stop playing dumb. Just stop.
All the ladies attack Paige when they enter because she does not have a coat. Well ya know bitch is from New York, she thought “I’m going down south, where it’s 80 year ‘round.” Sounds like me every time I go anywhere that it’s supposed to be warm. If I think I’m going somewhere warm I pack NOTHING for cooler weather. Nothing. I literally went to San Fan in July two years ago, not knowing that July was their “winter.” How would an east coaster know that ?? Who would ever think that?
Literally all I had was a fucking denim jacket. The locals were walking around in winter coats.
Also June is chilly in Southern California. Learned that the hard way too. Long story short, pack a winter coat, no matter where the hell you’re going!
Anyway enough about me. I hate to side with Naomie since I just trashed her above, but you know shows my ability to be objective. She scolds Craig for not offering her his jacket. Yeah why wouldn’t he have thought of that? Or surely this is not his only suit jacket. When he saw what she was wearing and that it was an outside event, and chilly and rainy, he could have given her another one to wear. Guys are morons. Paige should have given Naomie a thumbs up behind Craig’s back.
In his yap he’s like all pissy and says “what’s going on in her head that SHE thinks she knows what’s best for me and my girlfriend?” Well it wasn’t about YOU, and she did know what was best for your girlfriend, because she weighs like 100 lbs, had no jacket, and was freezing her fucking ass off, and you were too oblivious to notice. I thought this was the fucking south ? Isn’t there some shit about impeccable manners down there??
Madison is still in Patricia’s bedroom sucking her butthole and fawning all over her. Maybe she thinks she’s going to be named in the will if she keeps it up.
Jesus Christ can we get this over with?? Rain starts really coming down. Shep starts losing his mind over his very very simple instructions a four-year-old ring bearer at an actual wedding could follow. He starts yelling at Autsten who, actually even though he’s in the midst of his fourth meltdown being in Madison’s presence, knows what the fuck to do.
Shep your’e the only one losing your fucking shit at a DOG wedding. The party planner chick thinks he’s insane or retarded. Taylor asks him if he’s ever been to a wedding he answers that he has, but never cared where the pastor was? You don’t know the pastor stands at the alter, since you know he/she does the whole marrying the couple thing??? It’s kind of his job. What is wrong with this man? My point is proven again.
Whitney is killin it on the guitar. And by killin it, I mean he’s killin everyone’s hearing. He sounds about as good as Sandoval on Pump, does on the trumpet. Did Patricia, like know how awful he is?? Charles really WAS onto all of this ridiculous shit. He’s like Lassie. He just knows shit. I did it again!!
So has Whitney not touched his guitar in like 8 years or what is happening? I don’t think my hearing is ever going to be the same. And it’s sad because he looks like he’s really concentrating and really thinks he sounded good. Should we tell him?
Okay so here we go, finally Peaches is walking down the aisle, and no shit (sorry!) Charles jumps down to greet her and do their doggy thing, and even kisses her sort of! Little Craig does NOT look happy. Peaches wants Charles! That’s the reason for the shit! This is so wrong!
Poor Peaches she just keeps thinking about Charles. I mean he IS cuter. Sorry Little Craig, you kind of look like an angry bat. What is he? A pug?
I think this qualifies as animal cruelty.
This cruel event is over, and mingling has begun. Whitney has put down the guitar, Thank God. Peaches was forced to marry this little weirdo she doesn’t even like. She’s in love with Charles, clearly.
Pat is explaining the armadillo cake thing to Craig, and how it’s a southern thing, and was in ‘Steel Magnolias’ and he’s zoning out. Then someone asks what she was saying and Craig says “I don’t know – something about scarlet magnolias?”
Okay, so he may sew for a living, but that was very dude-ish. It was funny. Pat was rambling away and Craig was so NOT listening. At all. She should have thrown the word ‘vagina’ or ‘tits’ in there or something.
Naomie drills Olivia on this Mark Zuckerberg actor dude, as Leva gives Austen a pep talk on going for Olivia.
Olivia and Venita join them. Honestly SC might be on the way out, as Charles let us know tonight, but before it goes, we really should take a moment or two, to appreciate these actual REAL moments (on a reality, show imagine that) Like you really can FEEL the tension when Madison is around Austen.
Unfortunately they start speaking to each other, and start bickering because Madison demands to know (event though she does not give a shit) why he is giving her the cold shoulder. She tries to say ‘she has a bone to pick’ with him, but does not say it correctly. That’s Madison. I can’t stand that fucking name.
It was popular in the early 90’s for girls, and I think it’s dumb. I think I said that before. But I don’t care. Sorry to anyone who named their kid that, or if that’s your name.
He tells her about her “subtle digs” such as her stupid Amazon live whatever thing about her stupid fake engagement to this dude who barely knows her, and she said her only ‘ex’ she’s worried about is her ex husband or whatever. Leva and Venita hang on their every word as if this is interesting, and not the same old fucking shit. (oopsie) These two need lives. Venita claims she’s on “tittie watch” to make sure Madison’s fake tit doesn’t pop out. Venita REALLY needs a life. Maybe she should start calling everyone racist again, or scolding her mom for not fighting with her dad.
Patricia and Craig join this fun little quarrel which is the same fucking thing over and over. Did you ever notice that with an ex? You tend to have the same fucking arguments, that you can’t get past. Mostly because the one that fucked up can’t just say “yeah I fucked up, you didn’t deserve that.”
Which is why they’re an ex. Patricia summons Naomie over, and makes her sit closer to Craig.
She should be on Housewives for cryin out loud. She’s the fucking shit (Oh my God – I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose!) stirrer of Southern Charm.
Patricia makes it sufficiently awkward and weird enough that Austen, Craig and Leva all leave, and the loveseat thing now holds Whitney and Naomie, who by the way had/have hooked up at some point during filming. I think in previews this comes up on tonight’s show. And Craig acts jealous, which is disappointing. Probably why she even did it. So not surprising and so YAWN. Naomie seems to be getting around, and has replaced 2013/14 Kathryn. Next she’ll be getting, OOPSIE knocked up.
Naomie sells us this “she is not trying to get with Craig” again in her yap. Why does she keep repeating this? Oh because she is trying to get with Craig. So if she keeps denying it, maybe she’ll convince herself it’s the truth.
We learn that Ciara is ‘in town.’ Wow Ciara just can’t help herself can she? I wonder if she’s still doing the “I can’t be a nurse anymore because I don’t want to see people die” thing.
Why is she still pining after Austen? Surely she can do better. Isn’t there any OTHER Bravo reality dude she can try to hook up with? What about a Housewives ex? Let’s think about this. Austen likes blondes anyway. Who can blame him?
And again YAWN when it comes to Naomie, and her same tired tricks. She summons Craig again to talk to her IN PRIVATE about abso freaking lutely nothing. I get it she’s doing the ‘reality’ TV game, but it’s obvi she needs a ‘thing’ for camera time, and she just wants to drag him away from Paige. And even has to yank him to another room. Is Craig singing to himself “The ex’s and ohohoh’s they want me…”
Naomie says I think you feel awkward around me. Well yes dummy, he probably does when he’s with a new girlfriend and being forced into these social/filiming events with you.
I feel like she’s trying to get him to admit he has feelings for her. It’s so weird, how she keeps doing this. Then in her yaps she’s like, “oh no I don’t want to interfere with his relationship with Paige and I’m not trying to get with him (anymore)” Give us a break Naomie.
Go fuck Whitney or somebody else on the show. Oh you already thought of that. Been there done that. What about Shep, he’s single again, since you clearly wanna be Kathryn. Maybe get knocked up to Thomas a couple times?
She is yammering about nonsense. Brings up Matul, which is irrelevant because she’s no longer with him, and she felt awkward around Craig when THEY were together, so she should understand how this works, right ??
Naomie tries to compare his relationship with Paige to when she was with that control freak, and Craig is not having it. He has left Paige out there alone mingling with annoying people she barely knows, to go into a separate room with his ex girlfriend and she is cool about it, and says nothing. Yeah she’s probably pissed, but not making it a whole big thing. (at least not now) Christ can you even see Kathryn in this scenario? She would be losing her fucking shit. Can you see Matul in this scenario if Craig did this last season with her? He would be tearing Pat’s house apart.
Well it wraps up with “you don’t affect my life anymore you just don’t.” Naomie looks dumbfounded.
But then we see him having a hissy on tonight’s episode when she bangs Whitney, so go figure, guess she does.
