Southern Charm – 3/6/25 – The Boys Are Back In Town

Wow I haven’t done an SC recap in a minute! A lot of minutes. I’m blaming my technical difficulties. Hopefully they’re all behind me now.

I LOVE Molly’s tie dye swim suit and sarong thing. So stinking cute.

Shep’s leg is going a mile a minute, lying across the bed as he tells Craig about this stupid fucking tooth necklace that he’s presenting to Sienna at dinner.

Doesn’t it seem like a gift you would get from your middle or high school boyfriend? Like when he goes on vacay with his family and brings this back for you as a souvenir?? He keeps referring to it as “a really nice necklace.” Is it though?

Anyway he wants to know if he looks like a ‘total tool’ giving this to her. I thought he was asking if he looked like a tool because he gave Taylor the exact same fucking necklace, or similar. But I guess he means because he’s giving her a present when she blew him off and made excuses the entire time he’s been here.

He’s super psyched that she’s actually attending the group dinner that evening. I don’t know why Craig has to keep pointing out what an asshole she is, and why Austen is taking is so freaking personally. Why we need to coddle this seven foot tall fucking pushing 50-year old dude? Why? He sure as hell doesn’t mince words when he has something to say.

Craig warns him that if she continues to jerk him around, he’s to never talk to her again.

I know I keep saying this but I just cannot fathom how or why he kept this chick around until December. Like another 5-6 months after all of this was filmed, where she basically laughs in his face and looks at him like he’s retarded with her empty cold eyes, every time he professes his love to her.

I guess it’s hard to tell when you have a partner that’s empty inside, cold and heartless?? It shouldn’t be.

I would say anyone walking around bragging that they’re an atheist is your first fucking clue.

But hey she has a ridiculous job and a nice house right??? RIGHT????

Why does Shep tell Craig to spell certain words he uses?? Does he think he’s the only one that knows how to fucking spell?

I think he made him spell ‘rhetoric once. Why does he think Craig is a dufus? He may come off like it sometimes, but the dude has a finance degree and a law degree. I doubt he’s stupid, and pretty sure he can spell basic words, Shep so take a seat. What’s your career path or occupation again? Oh that’s right. Reality TV. So nothing. But you can spell.

******

Whitney, who just arrived, is so creepy, I’m starting to realize. I used to think he was KIND OF cool. Like one of those nerdy but still cool kind of guys. No. Mind changed. He’s a creep.

He doesn’t need to be lurking around Madison and Salley in bathrobes doing their makeup in their room.

He tells her to do a ‘smokey eye.’ Weirdo. No dude that claims to be straight should have any idea what a ‘smokey eye’ is.

Did you ever notice Madison constantly looks for any opportunity to talk about her new tits? And usually around the guys.

Not sure what her fake boobs have to do with an eye shadow technique, but she seems to think that when combined with her boobs, will make her look like a whore.

Okay Madison. She’s such a ding dong.

Austen gets all pissy with Craig again or still, for trying to tell Shep this chick is one sinister insincere fucking chick.

She’s like melting down on social media with video after video defending herself and reassuring the viewers she’s a great gal.

I maintain that Shep thinks he likes this girl so much because of how aloof and disinterested she acts. This is the key to Shep’s heart, ladies, to take notes.

******

Sienna arrives at the beach where they have a whole dinner setup thing going on.

Her eyes definitely lit up when he said he got her a gift, I’ll say that. Little does she know it’s a fucking giant green tooth.

First time I’ve even seen her smile since they arrived. I’m with Craig, this girl really does have a ‘dark energy.’

And her smile gets even bigger when he says he loves giving gifts and it’s his ‘love language.’

Not sure if she actually likes it, but she somehow managed to act like she did. She probably had it on ebay before Shep even landed in Charleston.

Aaaaannnnnnd the smile is gone and replaced with a scowl, and there she is!! We missed her!

Shep starts rambling about this ‘undeniable connection’ which I assume was just a few good sex episodes. And it couldn’t have been THAT great for her according to Taylor last season.

She tells him they were never in an actual relationship, they were just “having a good time.”

She rolls her eyes when he says “that’s really minimizing it.”

******

Leva calls Madison and Taylor who tells them how Sienna winked at her when she was in Charleston, and told her she’s “here for a good time not a long time.”

I feel like that would have been an important thing to tell Shep, no?

You would think Leva would’ve been DYING to announce that to him.

Why does Shep keep insisting on telling this girl how SHE feels?

And the constipated scowl is definitely back.

I kind of don’t blame her for looking annoyed every time he tells her he ‘knows’ how she feels. Shep read the room, this girl does not care if you live or die.

She looks like she wants to puke. That’s what every dude wants when professing his love to a girl.

So it seems they break up here, or whatever you want to call it, but they stayed together until December after she made him buy plane tickets for her and her friend to come to Charleston. He must’ve gotten her a couple more gifts. Maybe more teeth attached to a string.

The crew arrives. Even when Sienna greets and hugs the girls, she’s just so bllggghhh and hollow. The girls are all doing their best to be polite to this monster and she can’t even greet them sincerely.

Sienna makes fun of the necklace calling it “a Shep classic.” He did give a similar one to Taylor, so I guess it’s warranted.

She tells Madison she told Shep they need to take a step back.

Is he serious that he drives a Buick?? A BUICK?

I thought he was 46 not 76.

Sienna announces that they’re not in a relationship currently and never were.

She hasn’t smiled at all since receiving the giant green tooth.

More importantly, why is Whitney wearing a leather jacket?

Austen asks her why she told him she loved him when she didn’t. Austen why do ya think? Do the math.

It gets really awkward. You can cut the tension with a shark tooth. It’s almost uncomfortable to be sitting here watching this.

Shep continues to say the most bizarre things to her. He tells her they missed being in love by “a little window.”

A little window? How about you missed it by about a hundred oceans.

Fireworks erupt as they decide she should leave. Seems fitting.

He asks her if she’s a millennial and she doesn’t even know the answer to it. Shep is Gen X. I would say if she doesn’t make the millennial cut-off, that’s a fucking sign she’s too way too young for you!!

He reminds me of Jim Carey’s character in Dumb and Dumber when he’s chasing that chick around he likes. Remember when she tells him the chance they’ll be together is slim to none? And he says “so you’re telling me there’s a chance??” That is fucking Shep and this chick.

They part ways. She says “byeeee – see ya” and gives him a half hug thing. This is hilarious.

Taylor gets asked if this all bothers her because he didn’t ‘fight for her’ but he’s going nuts over this random gold-digging ho he found on Raya.

She says it doesn’t, and it seems like it really doesn’t to be honest. She and Gaston seem to be still together from what I saw online.

She calls Shep pathetic in her yap.

Venita goes to console him and tells him maybe he deserves this for his past douchey behavior. I guess that’s sort of consoling him.

Is Shep seriously droning on and on about this chick to the beach bartenders??

He needs to leave them a massive tip for putting up with this shit. Poor guys.

Does he think they give a fuck about his life? He’s so entitled so yes, he probably does.

Just what we needed, two sweaty sun burnt redneck guys arguing on the beach about nothing. Craig tells Austen he embellishes because he’s a lawyer.

Even though he’s never actually practiced law, has he?

It is kind of off-putting and strange that Austen is pouting because Craig doesn’t want to get drunk with him every day anymore. They start to bicker, and now they’re chasing each other around the beach.

Venita gushes over JT with Salley which is difficult to believe. She sounds a little home wrecker in her yap saying she feels sorry for the girlfriend because he’s clearly into her and giving the girlfriend crumbs. Who says that?

So the girls catch up with each other and start to chat. Craig finally breaks it down for numb skull Austen that he feared he was becoming an alcoholic with his excessive out-of-control drinking.

Austen eludes that he was just trying to please Paige by this ‘improving himself’ nonsense, and how silly it is that he doesn’t want to party constantly anymore.

To be clear, Craig is still drinking. He was just holding a champagne bottle he was drinking from. He quit drinking hard liquor, which does seem to be working for him.

Now I guess Austen feels stupid for crying and stomping around when Craig was legit trying to kick the getting drunk habit. Now both girls are crying.

It’s hard hearing him talk about Paige like that. I’m sure at this point she knew she was dumping him soon.

Maybe Paige liked him better when he was a drunken fool.

They cry some more and hug it out. I’m so happy for these ladies, I really am.

I feel like Craig tried to have this exact conversation with Austen when they were in his back yard weeks ago. He didn’t use the word ‘addict’ but this is pretty much what he was trying to tell him.

Whatever. Guess they needed to be all sweaty and burnt to a crisp on a Caribbean island for it to click.

I kind of think Kyle and Amanda’s wedding was his ‘a-ha moment.’ It wasn’t filmed, lucky for him, but I read it was bad. He started having a tantrum about having to use the outdoor port-a-potties and wanted to go into her parents’ house to piss, or whatever he had to do.

They threw him out.

******

Very generously, Craig paid for flamingos to be roaming about as they have breakfast.

And that’s a wrap on that. Poor Sheppy. I think he just needs to buy her more gifts.