It’s morning in the boujee Hamptons House, where apparently there is a heat malfunction, and the upstairs is cold. Erin ‘doesn’t know what to do?’ Okay, so I don’t mean to brag about my intelligence and mental acuity, but, I don’t know, let me just throw this out – call an HVAC service? Pretty sure that service is available int the Hamptons.
Erin and her guy do not strike me as needing to watch their p’s & q’s, so get on the horn Erin, and get the shit fixed since you have guests and they’re cold. Or does she just not know how to work the thermostat?
Jessel is the first to rise, and don’t you worry, is bitching up a storm. Erin, whose room is downstairs, and super cozy, tells her she can sleep in her room tonight. Jessel answers, “no I’m fine” as she continues to bitch.
So the big huge catastrophe of this trip, besides the heat, is that Jenna departed to go to her own Hamptons house the previous evening, and didn’t sleep at Erin’s. It is SUCH a catastrophe.
Sai and Ubah now have emerged from the cold as well, and are also complaining about it.
I don’t really think Erin cares that much, and nor does she even pretend to.
Jenna returns, and walks into this this very ‘Mean Girl’ aura, as they proceed to take turns issuing really high school-like digs and pokes at her for leaving the house. As if rehearsed. (as IF…)
“You killed the party vibe” Even though she wasn’t even participating in the music and dancing.
“She gave YOU the best room!” (okay, Ramona)
“I’m sleeping in a CHILD’S room with a crib! (she acts as if she has to sleep IN the crib)
“But that wasn’t the DEAL!” (okay 10 year-old)
“Also she could have cooked this morning!” (side note – didn’t see Erin in a big fucking hurry to get her ass out of bed to rustle up the shashuka, when she knew Jenna had left, just sayin.’)
Each jab is more ridiculous than the last. Sheesh no wonder she doesn’t go on girls’ trips. They sound like a bunch of flakes.
Erin walks away with one final ridiculous jab – “Clearly you don’t like my house at all.”
Clearly.
Who’s not loving Jenna’s rainbow unicorn leggings. So fun, and so very unexpected, given her usual blah atire of plain jeans and bulky gray sweaters. I haven’t even seen her in an actual color yet. Gray just completely washes her out, with her fair skin and gray-ish hair. Shouldn’t someone in fashion know this? Why do I have to know everything?
David, the hot trainer has arrived for this so-called work out, and Ubah has taken a shine to him immediately. In a not very subtle kind of way.
My opinion about this dramatic dilemma of eating before working out, is as follows:
How hard do they think they’re going to be working out, that it’s really going to make a difference? When have you even seen Housewives, other than Tamra of OC, actually working out? So that’s one Housewife out of, across all cities, and past fifteen years, how many?? A fucking lot. They don’t work out. They act like they’re going to be running the New York Marathon or something.
Also: why wouldn’t majority rule in this case? I’m no mathematician, but Jenna is the only one that didn’t want to eat before the so-called work-out, so am I sniffing fucking glue, or would it not be logical that if the rest of the ladies wanted breakfast, to still make it, and Jenna just not eat it? And have hers afterwards?? Again, why am I doing all the thinking here? Bravo should be paying me. I think Erin was just all too happy to ditch the cooking.
I did do a little research on Shakshuka, and it looks good. Think I’m going to try it for my Bravo-Inspired Recipes, so stay tuned! It’s poached eggs in a tomato sauce.
Jenna: “I hate working out, I just like to not look terrible naked.” A woman after my own heart. My sentiments exactly.
Brynn has arrived, in a floor length fur coat, and a sweat suit. Ubah refers to her as looking like a pimp. And she does. Of course she knows the cute trainer dude.
If anyone was curious about her ‘Kendall Jenner cutting a cucumber’ reference, I kind of had a feeling how bad it would be, and it does not disappoint. The best part is how she reassures Kris how more than capable she is of cutting her own cuke all by herself !! Honestly all she has to do is turn it around, so the side she’s cutting is towards her right hand, right???
I do have to say, Ubah the one that doesn’t work out, is the one that’s really going hard trying to impress this dude with her working out prowess.
So what they’re doing, not sure what it is, but it’s not working out in my book. They could have totally eaten a Thanksgiving dinner first, and been fine, before whatever the hell you call this shit.
Another obsi. Not sure of the exact month we’re in, looks like late winter, Feb/March, and have a hard time believing it was THAT cold in the house overnight, if they’re outside in the morning, just wearing long sleeves, no coats, and no one seems at all cold. We had an extremely mild winter here on the east coast this past ‘winter.’ If you even want to call it that. Seemed like a Florida or Cali type winter, really.
Erin claims she “would have been totally fine” had Jenna asked them to turn the music down because she couldn’t sleep, and had an early call. Yeah, no. Had she done that, then that would’ve been the gripe. Erin is always SO serious.
Whatever – Jenna apologizes to Erin.
Now Brynn claims that she feels slighted over the Jenna leaving, in comparison to her not wanting to go to Carmine’s. Okay, so Im going to try to not give this a lot of time and energy, because ONE – I just don’t have the time nor energy, and TWO– it’s the exact fucking same scenario. Erin was pissed about something stupid, Brynn apologized and it was dropped. Same with Jenna. She apologized, (except sooner) and then it was dropped. Apparently Erin likes being apologized to.
Sounds like someone else I know, who has “so many girls apologizing to him.” (he wants me to be one of them I guess… Well, how’s if feel to want, fucker??)
******
So they’re headed to a casual breakfast/brunch whatever, in The Hamptons and Sai, Jessel, and Brynn are dressed like they’re going to some bougee evening event. Do they understand over-dressing like this screams desperate?? Or thirsty? I guess it sort of makes sense when Sai complains about her upbringing a little later. Still think she should know better, being this fashion icon influencer she calls herself. And never really stops talking about it, honestly.
Not to mention they are all dressed in the exact same colors. Jenna points out, how they’re wearing khaki when they all bitched about wearing khaki at her party. Sai made some snarky J. Crew comment in her yap. Yet, here she is in cream and khaki.
So I guess they just don’t want to be TOLD to wear khaki.
How is it possible that Jessel, Sai, Umba, and Brynn, all four of them, are in the exact same color combo? They claim it wasn’t planned. Erin emerges in jeans and a simple casual jacket.
So long story short, we see the confident women here, (Erin and Jenna) and we see the desperate to impress women. I’m not trying to throw shade. I’m just saying, being in the fashion industry, the should all know better.
And the thigh high boots just puts it over the top. They would have been fine paired with jeans, for a casual daytime outing.
Ubah – “In the Hamptons, you bring it.” Even in off season, when just going out to breakfast? In a spot where other customers are wearing hoodies?
No. You look cute and casual, you don’t have to ‘bring it.’ Erin makes fun of them in her yap.
The hostess, wearing jeans, even looks at them judgingly, and is actually laughing at Ubah. If you’re ten times more dressed up than the hostess in a restaurant, you’re probably way overdressed. I think Erin sees the hostess looking at her like she’s an idiot.
Thigh high boots and a short skirt? During the day? Really? I kind of feel a ‘Pretty Woman’ moment here, where the hostess says “we have nothing here that you like” in an effort to get the riffraff off of the premises. They look like fucking prostitutes. High end prostitutes. But still prostitutes. If Brynn would’ve worn her pimp coat, they probably literally would have been kicked out for suspected solicitation.
So replacing vodka with tequila is where it’s at with these ladies. I commented last week about the Espresso Martini with Tequila, and Erin now orders a Bloody with tequila. There are two drinks I would not have thought to use tequila in. I actually did go out on a limb and try the Espresso Martini (is it still a martini though?) with tequila and thumbs down! I knew that would not go together. i didn’t like it, anyway.
Brynn starts on the ‘issue’ that I said I was devoting no more time nor energy on.
As Sai walks back from the restroom, I’m seeing more of this weird bulky acrylic get-up, that she’s got on, and it’s actually even more ridiculous than I thought. She looks like The Fucking Michelin Man. She’s literally adding about 50 pounds to her petite frame.
The dude she passes by looks like he didn’t even comb his hair for this fucking place. I can’t. I have second-hand embarrassment for her. I don’t mean to keep harping, but I know she thinks she looks like a Goddess, but she does not.
How did she not know how this was going to look awful on camera, and make her look much larger than she is? This is her job.
She has one job! And it’s an easy one!
This whole table is hilarious. Now that Erin has taken off her jacket, they’re literally ALL wearing beige and cream.
Jessel gets bitched at over the night gown thing. Who cares, haven’t we moved on from that by now?
She was mad that the others’ were cute and short, and hers was long, and yes, I guess a little matronly. It wasn’t awful though. And it was only for lounging in the house. Think she’s gotten a nose job since filming? Seems like it is a completely different nose in the yaps. Or is it ‘contouring?’
******
Tonight is dinner in, personal chef of course, and now they’re supposed to get dressed to the nines.
Jenna admits that she brought nothing dressy. She didn’t get the evening wear memo.
Having a hard time buying her being in fashion too, since she wears oxfords, jeans, and ugly gray sweaters non-stop. I guess this has been since she decided she doesn’t like men anymore. I’m not sure if I get the rationale of dressing like a dude when you decide you like women? If you’re trying to attract women, that are also into women, why dress like a guy? Clearly it’s just out of my element.
She wears an extra gown that Ubah brought, and hates it, and it reminds her of things that she wore for men. Okay. Well, no one told her women actually dress for other women.
So this whole recap seems to be dedicated to me critiquing their clothes.
And keeping with that theme, I need to know why Jessel doesn’t wear a bra, because she certainly needs a really good one.
I have seen Sai in only beige or black and I’m getting kind of tired of it.
They play two truths and a lie.
Here’s mine. I don’t care, I don’t care, and I don’t care. Guess which are the truths and which is the lie.
Jenna’s is the only one that’s remotely entertaining.
So Erin can’t work a thermostat, and can’t turn on the gas fire pit. She has everyone running around like nuts helping her, and lugging another tank, when all she just had to do was flip a switch, after her husband explains it.
Sai cries about growing up poor. She really does give off the ‘grew up with nothing vibes.’
I got that impression in episode 1, with her “look at me now, people are looking in MY brownstone…” Who says that?? I just feel like they should know things not to say given the way they’re trying to present themselves.
Speaking of Sai, and this has nothing to do with being poor, but again, there are so many fashion faux pas’ here from these self-proclaimed, very fashion knowledgeable ladies, that I just can’t stop myself. Someone who ‘slays all day’ should know how unflattering this is to a small-boobed girl. This top or dress is so ill-fitting on her. You can even see gaping around her boobs. You have to have SOME boobs to pull this style off. There are literally no boobs to fill the boob cut-outs on this dress.
Again, like the Michelin Man or Pillsbury Dough Boy outfit, it’s not flattering for her body. But she ‘slays all day!’ No Sai, you don’t.
Erin can’t relate to this ‘I was so poor’ shit. She looks bored as shit. It all started because she said she got her kids’ straw cups from the Dollar Store.
Jenna is staying the night. Thank God. Maybe Erin will now make the shakshuka in the morning. Or not. I guess I’ll have to do that too.
Who all is on the edge of their seat?
